Shut It Off

fuck
it is unbearable
to be conscious
to be feeling what I feel
to be thinking what I think
to know what I know

I cannot sleep
I cannot be awake
I want to shut off my mind
so bad

I wish I could keep myself busy
somehow
not surrender myself to the same old
self-destruction

I would be someone
eventually
I'm sure
if I could only keep myself busy
I could live
I'm sure

I feel weak
why did no one show me how to care for myself?
I know the answer
nobody showed them either
all they do is find ways to shut off their minds
as the kids are watching
waiting for someone to teach them how to cope

I can't bear this
this is too heavy
it's too tough
I was only just a little girl

the cashier at the grocery store
sees a woman
when I pay for the liquor
they don't ask for my ID
it would say twenty-two
a woman?

as a kid I naturally assumed
women were strong

but still I do bear it
don't I?
in continuing to live
I do bear it

it's probably not over yet
so maybe I am strong
you know, if we take it as a whole

I think I will go and find something
to numb my mind
sometimes my body
just a little bit
just like they taught me to

Sleep doesn't work for me anymore