Eva's Finishing School For Her Man

Eva’s Finishing School For Her Man

     “Hi, I’d like a cup of decaf with a lot of almond milk.”
     “Do you want it hot or cold?”
     “Well hot of course.”
     She starts to heat the milk. “Hey, I meant the coffee hot not the milk. I want the milk cold.”
     She says, “Sorry, I lost my mind for a second.”
     “I lost mine on a wide-angle curve on a highway somewhere in New Mexico.”
     She replies, “Wish I’d been a passenger in your car. I am not much on driving but love to travel.” She concocts my desired combination of milk and coffee and rings me up on the register. The amount is way too much but I hold my tongue so as not to embarrass her. Then I return for another dose of my favorite brew. This time she charges me twice as much as normal for a cup of Joe.
     “Ma’am, I am not sure the price you gave for my coffee is right.”
     “Hey, we charge less than the chain coffee
shops.”
     “Are you sure it is right?” I say demurely.
     “Well, I’ll double-check just to make sure.”
     “Sorry that I look like I’ve spent the night on the sidewalk.”
     “Hey, this is Bohemia. So long-shaggy-haired hippies are perfectly welcome here. But you on the other hand pay with a bank card so I think you just need a helping hand.”
     “You have me pegged.”
     She replies, “You know something you are right. I charged you for two cups of coffee instead of the one you ordered.”
     “Well, your offer interests me more than the coffee price now.”
     She replies, “Ok, here is your coffee with a complimentary bagel for your trouble. Look under your bread roll and you’ll find something more than palatable but also pleasing to your mirror and my eyes.”
     “Hey, this is a gift card for a hairstyling salon. And you included what is this, an invitation to a gourmet Chinese restaurant with a time to show up.”
     “Yes, but the restaurant is predicated on your use of the hairdo place.”
     “Why would you make me such an offer? Surely there are far more eligible dinner dates for you.”
     “I like to renovate my men. There is a joy in getting a fixer-upper to redesign from the bottom up.”
     “Are you expert enough with men to do the job?”
     “The male of the species is my oyster and I am his mother of pearl. Please, accompany me to the dinner parties of my friends where I will introduce you as my life partner. There I will straighten your tie when needed and tuck your shirttails in as well. This is so that you will learn to do it on your own. Sweetie, don’t be embarrassed by the prospect of public grooming from a woman, because my mission is to save you from a life of penury. You may never be a banker or lawyer but you may wait tables with their haute couture.”