Trouble at home

This is a journal entry from past week. Allot of questions and allot of doubt. Tell me what you guys / girls think.

Why do I stay when I clearly need to go? Why do I let myself be tormented by the unending, irrational, an loud cries of a woman who does not even try to listen? No, not one single relationship is perfect, there is always something to argue about. But healthy couples talk and try to understand each other’s difficulties. They try to find common ground of agree to disagree and move on. But not this woman. She needs to be right. She needs to be dominant. Like she always says ‘I’m the boss’. I do not agree with her on this point at all. I refuse to call anyone my ‘Boss’. I’m no slave to someone’s distorted perception of how a relationship should be. I voluntarily chose to be with you my darling. I found you and thought she is the one, and I fell in love. I still do, but sometimes I is difficult to see you like you were back then. The tantrums and screams ring in my brain. Constantly giving me feelings of self-doubt. What is even worse is that you threaten with divorce and taking away my children. Is that really the only option you can see when we disagree? Is that really a threat you want to make in a discussion about our existence? Or is this just some scare tactic so you don’t have to rationalize your own dysfunctional arguments? I can’t read minds. And even if I could I would never read yours. Sharing is also a big cornerstone in every relationship and it is based on mutual trust. I know I’m not the perfect partner. Far from it. I know I have a mental disorder, I know I sometimes act weird or don’t respond to your calls. I know I can be aggressive verbally. I know I sometimes hurt you with what I have said. But do I not apologize every time when something like this happens? Do I not try my hardest to make sure that we are ok in the end? I know I am not the perfect father. I know my children expect more from me. I know I need to give them more of me. I know they need to know me for who and what I really am. But it is very difficult for me to deal with children. I love them more than anything in the world. But it is almost impossible for me to express me in such a way. Why I can’t do that? I do not know. It’s strange, I know. I’m more disconnected from my feelings than ever. And you acting like this does not make it any better. Sometimes I whish I was back in the mental hospital. Back to a time when everything was black and white, good and bad, real and delusion. I find myself disconnected from this world, disconnected from myself, you, my children and my friends. I am alone. I am lonely. People don’t understand why I am like this. People don’t want to understand. Why would they? It’s none of their business anyway. Why would people be interested in me and my personal struggles. They have enough of their own troubles to deal with. Should I seek out professional help again? Should I call the doctor again? Is it really that bad again? Am I doing so much worse? I believe so. But maybe this is just a phase. It’s not uncommon for me to completely dissociate from reality while being stressed to my limit. It’s not uncommon for me to feel nothing at all. It’s not strange for me to think about harming myself. It gets disturbing when the thoughts of suicide slip in. That is a clear indicator it’s going downhill. Have I thought about it lately? I can’t remember. I can’t remember allot of things. The last couple of months are very blurry. Maybe it’s because of the fights, because of the stress. Maybe I lost myself a couple of times. I can’t remember. I can’t remember. Why can I not remember?