deepundergroundpoetry.com
Cold cavern
To ever walk in dark sunshine
staid gothic tale
the brighter day, so in denial
Dead flowers that can bear no seed
a wilting will
that drowns in fathoms deep
Replenishment the bitter pill, contrite
unconscious curtains pulled
a chasm with the steepest sides
Limbs be ever covered epaulettes
to hide the tracks
the vents of razor slits
If chinks appear
cracked tracks of salt
on the paths of pride, all downwards steer
The host, that never answers
bare existence
the discord in each major, feeds the creping cancer
Steel spiders web
grey mist's that swirl inside my head
forecasts where the lows are dread
Just the outcast, locked open penitentiary
from the common heard
the curved ball that threw itself?
Hangs a fading picture of the Doors
Jim Morrison, a ghost, he calls
the platitudes of each need ignored
Each icy drip from the roof's topography
the ineptitude that creeps
for that cold cavern entraps me
staid gothic tale
the brighter day, so in denial
Dead flowers that can bear no seed
a wilting will
that drowns in fathoms deep
Replenishment the bitter pill, contrite
unconscious curtains pulled
a chasm with the steepest sides
Limbs be ever covered epaulettes
to hide the tracks
the vents of razor slits
If chinks appear
cracked tracks of salt
on the paths of pride, all downwards steer
The host, that never answers
bare existence
the discord in each major, feeds the creping cancer
Steel spiders web
grey mist's that swirl inside my head
forecasts where the lows are dread
Just the outcast, locked open penitentiary
from the common heard
the curved ball that threw itself?
Hangs a fading picture of the Doors
Jim Morrison, a ghost, he calls
the platitudes of each need ignored
Each icy drip from the roof's topography
the ineptitude that creeps
for that cold cavern entraps me
Published 12th Jun 2021
| Edited 13th Jun 2021
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The author encourages honest critique.
Wow! This is a very apt description of depression, slip. You're coming into your voice, my friend.
There's just a few places ( remember, slow down and watch your punctuation ) I would point out.
• feeds the creping* cancer
( Did you mean creping or creeping? )
• Steel spider[ ' ]s web
• grey mists[,] the* swirl inside my head
( Did you mean they* swirl inside my head? Also, you need a comma after mists. )
• forecasts where the low's* are dread
( [L]ows is not possessive; therefore, no apostrophe needed. )
• Jim Morrison a ghost, He calls
( I strongly suggest a comma after Morrison for emphasis on 'a ghost'. Also, did you mean to capitalize He? Or, was there supposed to be a period vs comma after ghost? )
• the platitudes, of each need ignored
( You do not need a comma after platitudes. )
• Each icy drip from the roof[']s topography
( [R]oofs is possessive. )
You're doing amazing, Slip. Honestly. You're voice is becoming hones and you're carving out a style all your own.
There's just a few places ( remember, slow down and watch your punctuation ) I would point out.
• feeds the creping* cancer
( Did you mean creping or creeping? )
• Steel spider[ ' ]s web
• grey mists[,] the* swirl inside my head
( Did you mean they* swirl inside my head? Also, you need a comma after mists. )
• forecasts where the low's* are dread
( [L]ows is not possessive; therefore, no apostrophe needed. )
• Jim Morrison a ghost, He calls
( I strongly suggest a comma after Morrison for emphasis on 'a ghost'. Also, did you mean to capitalize He? Or, was there supposed to be a period vs comma after ghost? )
• the platitudes, of each need ignored
( You do not need a comma after platitudes. )
• Each icy drip from the roof[']s topography
( [R]oofs is possessive. )
You're doing amazing, Slip. Honestly. You're voice is becoming hones and you're carving out a style all your own.
