Gods and bugs

I don't want to die but I don't want to live.    
I am too tired to exist.  
But there are so many goals I have already achieved.    
I am in too deep.    
I'm too deep in this life to make it all go away with a single sweep of a knife.    
I've lived too long not to think I would be bored if I were gone.    
I've seen so many things without which I do not think I could live.    
I know so many things that I'm scared of what might be if my brain stopped working.    

But the thing is that the things I don't know are the things I truly want to know.    
All the questions without answers bother me.    
I want to know where do we go when we die and if there is such a thing as afterlife is it forever or will I be thrown into this pond of life for a second time.    
I don't know if I can handle having a second life.    
To be thrown into this ocean of life like a pebble and sink to the bottom until I die.    

And I can't stop thinking about how if I was Eve no apple would tempt me.    
And I can't stop resenting god for making temptations that ruin paradise.    
I really do think he hates us and that we're just playthings to him.    
Puppets on a string.    
Worms beneath his feet.    
We're to him what ants and bugs are to us.    
We're worthless as dust.    
Because when you go kill a bug you don't stop to think if it has a family.    
If it enjoys life or if it hurts to get squashed.      
You crush it without remorse and flush it down the toilet simply because it's gross.    
I don't want to be a bug.    
I want to be more like god.