There is this friend I kiss like all the time.
And she's going to kill me without even giving it a try.
She's going to rip out my heart and tear my soul apart just by looking at me like a precious gemstone from a far.
I love the way she smiles and it weirds me out.
I feel confused and I worry I'm going too far.
And that's the thing it's already too late for worries like that because I have already gone too far when we slept in my bed.
I'm not confused on whether I love her or not.
I'm just confused on what type of love it really is.
The type that makes you wave goodbye when the night ends or the type where you want to cuddle before you go to rest.
I don't think I have it that bad.
We can always be friends.
I just don't want my love to turn the other way and become something forbidden that won't last. Because it never does.
Not with me.
I'm hard to live with and so is she.
I can't give her what she wants.
I can't obsess to such a degree with anyone who isn't me.
The only love I know is self love because I practiced it a lot.
So much in fact that it's to the point where I find it hard to love anybody but myself.
I find reassurance in the thought I confuse her a lot.
That I give her the same worries and thoughts.
I know I make her question who she is and what she truly wants.
And that to me is the most important thing of all.
I love my friend the way she loves me and that's all that matters to me.
Today we held hands while walking under a double rainbow.
It was a movie type of a thing but the weather here has been weird and it happened for real.
A double rainbow formed from all the mood swings the sky has been having.
In the morning it rains but by noon it's sunshine again.
And then the evening settles and the rain on my window patters.
It's a cycle that has been going on for a while and it reminds me of my strange and foreign moods that overwhelm me every chance they get.
At least today has been a good day and I have a friend.
Maybe that brings peace to my head.