This Confession of Mine

There's something people don't know about me
A secret I kept so close to my chest that its inside it
I had just turned 22 when I realized I was pregnant
I didn't know what to do when it happened
I just... Closed my eyes and ignored it
Honestly being nauseous wasn't new to me
I figured I would make an appointment to... Fix it... Eventually
But I was on the fence about it through it all
Id missed my period not once or twice but three times
Three months pregnant and my relationship was crumbling before me
No one knew what was going on with me
I told no one, kept my mouth shut about it all
And when he texted me it was over
I cannot tell you the pain that my heart went through
The mindless motions of my self harm
Using a cherry red needle to mark myself
Theres an X on my left hand between my thumb and pointer finger
A constant and clear reminder of my baby and him
There was the thought that I would never tell him
That I was pregnant with his child when he left me
I suppose I will never tell him that I lost our baby
That just two weeks after we broke up
My body started cramping and bleeding
That I bled for days unable to leave my bed
I remember numbly pulling my sheets off the bed
The smell of bleach to get rid of the blood stains
I lied to everyone around me that it was just heartbreak
That I would get over it in time, to be patient with me
And I took that experience and locked it away
Threw them from the shores of my mind
Far away in a dark place into my brains peat bog
Now that Im dealing with all these health issues
The lock box of these memories have floated up
From those dark murky water that pools in my mind
My heart is ripped open anew in mourning
That if my child had survived my genetic curse
Would have also been passed onto them
But I can't fully express my pain in this moment
And like bog bodies tend to be preserved
So is this pain... A time capsule of the deepest pain