deepundergroundpoetry.com
this shiiit sucks
I grab a pair of shears
Fool, you are a pair of fears
Waiting to crack like chandeliers
Hanging from a ceiling above peers
waiting to open up like secrets held from fears
Its a small world you tell one ear
You tell all
I let bodies fall without remorse
I hit play on my mind without record
So what you read is real like umbilical chords
CUT from sodomy not the definition from sex up the butt
But your dumb enough to judge
Look I love Jessie I cant get it enough
I loved her every since fucck my minds been bent up
Im on a thin line like knife cuts
Will I ever give up?
FUCK the other ones
Judged like the devils son
But I swear Im a rebel one
Im the one that will slice your neck
Over words that were in direct
Just to infect the innocent
Humans mind, my path is prevalent
Since we are on the subject of relevance
Why the fuck does a human sound relevant
When they talk for the hell of it
I would rather them be locked in a celler quick
Thats why half the chicks are for the hell of it
Id rather seem them rot in a cellar quick
You see me rhyme lie before
More gore then a personal guy
Why?
Most chicks are for sex and proud of the X
So I stay stressed wondering what next
I been played before over the dumbness
So why drink over the dumbness
Im one its
soo fucking quick
I would think you where the one fool, sell it
What you think your the rhyming fan
Or a poetry fan, trust me
Battle me, and you will feel as rough as puddles saying dig me
Fool, you are a pair of fears
Waiting to crack like chandeliers
Hanging from a ceiling above peers
waiting to open up like secrets held from fears
Its a small world you tell one ear
You tell all
I let bodies fall without remorse
I hit play on my mind without record
So what you read is real like umbilical chords
CUT from sodomy not the definition from sex up the butt
But your dumb enough to judge
Look I love Jessie I cant get it enough
I loved her every since fucck my minds been bent up
Im on a thin line like knife cuts
Will I ever give up?
FUCK the other ones
Judged like the devils son
But I swear Im a rebel one
Im the one that will slice your neck
Over words that were in direct
Just to infect the innocent
Humans mind, my path is prevalent
Since we are on the subject of relevance
Why the fuck does a human sound relevant
When they talk for the hell of it
I would rather them be locked in a celler quick
Thats why half the chicks are for the hell of it
Id rather seem them rot in a cellar quick
You see me rhyme lie before
More gore then a personal guy
Why?
Most chicks are for sex and proud of the X
So I stay stressed wondering what next
I been played before over the dumbness
So why drink over the dumbness
Im one its
soo fucking quick
I would think you where the one fool, sell it
What you think your the rhyming fan
Or a poetry fan, trust me
Battle me, and you will feel as rough as puddles saying dig me
Published 17th Feb 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 7
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Feb 2012 7:10pm
17th Feb 2012 9:30pm
Its really good, love the rhyme and rhythem. ur a really godd writer and i mean it everytime i say it.
Anonymous
18th Feb 2012 00:45am
i like how i keep ending up in your poems lol but very nice write sir, as always :)
ok, well i am no expert on this kind of poetry, i will try help out a bit.
I think you can drop the first line altogether as it makes no sense. in fact at lot of the lines look like you picked a word to rhyme with the last word and built the rest of the line around it regardless of what it might read like.
I think this is a mistake that we all make at first.
if i were to do something like this i guess i would have a kind of continued plot in my head.
I don't think you have to concentrate on having the last word of each line rhyme.
don't be afraid to break it up a little, remember that even though you might have a good flow going in your own head the reader needs a little direction as to what that might be.
i find that when i am looking for a consistent flow i count syllables on each line, in time i learned that i could vary the lines a bit and still keep the flow.
here is a quick syllable count on a few lines with some internal rhyme
what you have is not a bad start (8)
don't lose heart,it aint that easy (8)
queezy? grab some air,you'll soon get there (8)
just try put the horse before the cart (9)
etc.
so i hope tis helps a little bit .
shine on
I think you can drop the first line altogether as it makes no sense. in fact at lot of the lines look like you picked a word to rhyme with the last word and built the rest of the line around it regardless of what it might read like.
I think this is a mistake that we all make at first.
if i were to do something like this i guess i would have a kind of continued plot in my head.
I don't think you have to concentrate on having the last word of each line rhyme.
don't be afraid to break it up a little, remember that even though you might have a good flow going in your own head the reader needs a little direction as to what that might be.
i find that when i am looking for a consistent flow i count syllables on each line, in time i learned that i could vary the lines a bit and still keep the flow.
here is a quick syllable count on a few lines with some internal rhyme
what you have is not a bad start (8)
don't lose heart,it aint that easy (8)
queezy? grab some air,you'll soon get there (8)
just try put the horse before the cart (9)
etc.
so i hope tis helps a little bit .
shine on
Anonymous
- Edited 18th Feb 2012 4:09pm
18th Feb 2012 4:03pm
I like this. I do hate the comment above mine though. You just keep writing they way you want. Ignore those who think they know it all. Everyone has there own style and way of thinking. Let your soul, heart, feelings out the way you feel them. Be you!!!!!!! If you change a poem everytime someone doesnt like or to their way of thinking you will loose yourself and who you are. They are now writing your poems. Just speaking from experience. Don't let comments like that one slow you down or stop you. If you see what they are saying and you feel that way after, then change it. Other wise leave it for the reat of us to enjoy. Gail
24th Jun 2012 7:25pm
23rd Feb 2013 3:19am
