The First Heartbreak 1: Daddy Issues

By age five I felt the strain,
A void, a missing PEACE,
Questions on where you were,
And why aren’t you here for me?
Going to school, never could talk about you,
Or put a face to the name,
All I knew was I only had one parent,
And from there formed all the shame.
“There must be something wrong with me”,
Was what started to tell myself,
Because what other reason may there be for you to have left?
So now I’m growing up and I’m trying to find my way,
Gotta keep going and push past the emptiness I feel everyday.
I stand in the mirror... this is what I see,
This broken woman, half her, half you, equals me.
Anger crept in somewhere, overpowering the shame,
Anger that you didn’t care enough to be here & shield me from so much pain.
Looking for love in “him” that I never got from you,
Accepting less or nothing at all, because ANY kind of love would do.
Even “love” that was borderline abuse.
Living with questions, of WHY?
Why’d I have to be that child you let slip by?
Why’d I have to be the one you couldn’t raise?
Why’d I have to walk this life blindly trying to find my own way?
Why’d you get to sit out all the lessons that she couldn’t teach as a mother?
Does it even bother you that you ran away & took permanent cover?
My first heartbreak was you,
First real dose of medicine from a man,
Setting the tone & stage of my heart moving forward,
Creating the mess that I am.
Fatherless- the label you gave me,
Tricking my mind into telling me that this is all I’ll ever be.
That this is all I’ll ever feel,
That something deep... that’s broken inside of me.