The First Heartbreak 2: The Blame

The Blame (First heartbreak 2)

As time moves on,
I realize that you are to blame,
It’s your fault for this state I’m in,
Your fault for my pain...
And for my shame,
The silent shame that comes when I look in the mirror,
The shame of a bastard child,
Disowned by her father.
With sad eyes that look like yours,
I cry and mourn what we never had,
I’ve spent my life in awe and envy of those who actually have a dad.
The ones who were loved and wired right,
I imagine life to be easy for them, not such a fight.
But in my ring, the match never ends,
It’s blow after blow to my heart whenever I sit and think about it.
When I look at my life
And I can see where I’ve gone wrong,
When I wanted to shoulder and shift the blame,
But it’s been you all along.
Your fault, because you can’t bring yourself to love or know me,
Your fault... because I didn’t know better than to break my own heart by searching...
Searching desperately for the masculine love that I need.
I blame you for being such a coward,
One who ran away & didn’t look back once
A coward living an entire life elsewhere,
While I’m exiled like the Dunce,
While I sift through, trying to trust,
Trying to open my heart without fear,
But sometimes it feels like the void is too deep,
Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get there.
Because of you, my self-loathing always seems to win,
Because of you, I contemplate taking my own life
As to not to have to deal with suffering
And always feeling like less than.
Your fault... why I feel so angry inside,
And why I can’t connect,
And why I can’t forgive,
And men, I do not trust or respect.
And why I do not feel whole,
And why I do not feel loved,
And why every man I’ve ever been with, I secretly resented & judged.
I blame you for making another statistic out of me,
And for these 31 years of suffering,
For the secrets that I’ve had to keep,
I blame you for not protecting me,
For never seeing me,
For being unable to provide me with the love I so desperately need,
For never being sorry,
For making the choice to abandon me,
And for years and years of my not being able to just breathe.