deepundergroundpoetry.com
Banksy ?
Commissioned, by needs so profound
the salt that stings an open wound.
Pathos bringing its own cult
hangs the entire wall all by itself.
The gallery to make you gulp
the pleading eyes that ask for help.
Spray can etch a pentagram
to be a lion not a lamb.
A spell of everything so wrong
holds the futures on a slender string.
To feel and greet just suffering,
the bubble floats, should we just sit?
So tied with no initiative
or pull down tomorrows hopes decal.
The sign that time won't heed our call
Extinction - Rebellion will succeed.
And children not deafened to the need
to make their future evergreen.
the salt that stings an open wound.
Pathos bringing its own cult
hangs the entire wall all by itself.
The gallery to make you gulp
the pleading eyes that ask for help.
Spray can etch a pentagram
to be a lion not a lamb.
A spell of everything so wrong
holds the futures on a slender string.
To feel and greet just suffering,
the bubble floats, should we just sit?
So tied with no initiative
or pull down tomorrows hopes decal.
The sign that time won't heed our call
Extinction - Rebellion will succeed.
And children not deafened to the need
to make their future evergreen.
Published 15th Nov 2020
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likes 3
reading list entries 3
comments 1
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Firstly, Banksy is one of my favorite artists. His messages are always spot on. This does tribute to him; one I am sure he would be pleased to read.
Secondly, this is an excellent offering, Slip. Your consistency and caps are spot-on. You're missing end stops in the S2, 3, 4, and the final couplet. Remember the S1 always sets the tone for consistency, and in this case you've used an end stop. Watch your commas ( beginning in the third stanza ). Remember that each line provides its own natural pause.
hold[s] the future
tomorrow[-]s hope-decal
For the ending I suggest an emdash prior to that final couplet vs 'and' ( being you used it in the final line of S4 ).
and Extinction Rebellion will succeed [ — ]
children not deafened to the need
to make their future evergreen
That is a phenomenal ending, btw. Chilling.
Secondly, this is an excellent offering, Slip. Your consistency and caps are spot-on. You're missing end stops in the S2, 3, 4, and the final couplet. Remember the S1 always sets the tone for consistency, and in this case you've used an end stop. Watch your commas ( beginning in the third stanza ). Remember that each line provides its own natural pause.
hold[s] the future
tomorrow[-]s hope-decal
For the ending I suggest an emdash prior to that final couplet vs 'and' ( being you used it in the final line of S4 ).
and Extinction Rebellion will succeed [ — ]
children not deafened to the need
to make their future evergreen
That is a phenomenal ending, btw. Chilling.
