What if

What If

I wonder
What if
I would of consumed those pills?!
Would I be alive? Or would peace had finally been still?!
What if
I stood by till the train made headway when parked on the tracks?!
Would I remain in anguish, for one’s I care for turning their backs?!
What if
The knife was that much sharper?! Or I’d penetrated that much harder?!
Would my slit wrist be fixed by the doctors?!
Or what I have an extravagant funeral?!
Before unearthing if heaven and hell is literal?!
What if
I jumped off a platform, that much
higher?! And
It restricted around my neck that much tighter?!
Would I float like a ghost, stuck in purgatory, in limbo?!
Would God have forgiven me?!
Calculating the weight been too heavy, Existence, being
Far from simple.
What if
When surveying the Glocks barrel, he
Would of pulled the trigger?!
What if the sawed if wouldn’t jammed?! Or
The guy with the pump action, had a stronger finger?!
Would it had been preordained?! Or
If any of the above was carried out to the end, would
My suffering had been in vain?!
What if
Instead of having belief, having faith, I
Knew God was beside me to guide me.
Would I strive for spiritual wealth?!
Would I thrive to be the best variation
Of self?!
What if
That one preachers teachings, or
That one teachers preaching was specifically for times such as now?!
What if
I let go and let God, ceasing
To try and control the uncontrollable?!
Been doing it for so long, would
I know how?!
What if,
I become the hero?! No
Longer at leisure of playing the victim?!
Would I open up and receive what God has planned for me?!
What has already been written.
What if
What if,
Wasn’t in the human diction? Easier
Decisions, leaving
Room for no doubt.
Would I stop feeling sorry?! Self pitying?!
Appearing weak?! Would
I strengthen up? Wise up?! And give
Fate back over to God.
No longer walking alone, no
Longer leaving God out.
What if…
What if?!

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