deepundergroundpoetry.com
I KNEW SHE WAS.
I KNEW SHE WAS.
I remember that old, lovely house,
where l met her first, long time ago.
She has left her impact on my heart
and is locked in my subconscius well.
Once, l was in such a gloomy mood.
I recalled that girl that's left a stamp
on my heart that yearned to see that face,
which l could remember with that place.
There, l saw a woman with white hair.
She had that familiar face l'd seen.
Palpitating fast , my heart urged me
to inquire if she was that lass.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
I remember that old, lovely house,
where l met her first, long time ago.
She has left her impact on my heart
and is locked in my subconscius well.
Once, l was in such a gloomy mood.
I recalled that girl that's left a stamp
on my heart that yearned to see that face,
which l could remember with that place.
There, l saw a woman with white hair.
She had that familiar face l'd seen.
Palpitating fast , my heart urged me
to inquire if she was that lass.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
Published 15th Oct 2020
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
15th Oct 2020 10:21pm
15th Oct 2020 10:24pm
As Grammarly notes, the expression is
"where l first met her A long time ago"
not
"where l met her first [as opposed to second?], long time ago. [no comma]."
And what's with using "on my heart" twice within a few lines?
She has left her impact **on my heart**
and is locked in my subconscius [sic subconsciOus] well.
"Once, [Sic no comma is necessary] l was in such a gloomy mood.
I recalled that girl that's left a stamp
**on my heart*** that yearned to see that face,"
and the implication of this line:
"and is locked in my subconscius [sic] well."
Is not that something found a fixed and unerasable place in your subconscious, but that you have a water storage place there.
In any case, this is a series of declarative and cliche riddled sentences. It's not evocative in any way. In fact it's a journal entry in which all you do is tell us about an experience you had instead of showing us what this experience was like. Where's the concrete appeal to the senses? Where's even the slightest use of imagery?
"where l first met her A long time ago"
not
"where l met her first [as opposed to second?], long time ago. [no comma]."
And what's with using "on my heart" twice within a few lines?
She has left her impact **on my heart**
and is locked in my subconscius [sic subconsciOus] well.
"Once, [Sic no comma is necessary] l was in such a gloomy mood.
I recalled that girl that's left a stamp
**on my heart*** that yearned to see that face,"
and the implication of this line:
"and is locked in my subconscius [sic] well."
Is not that something found a fixed and unerasable place in your subconscious, but that you have a water storage place there.
In any case, this is a series of declarative and cliche riddled sentences. It's not evocative in any way. In fact it's a journal entry in which all you do is tell us about an experience you had instead of showing us what this experience was like. Where's the concrete appeal to the senses? Where's even the slightest use of imagery?
16th Oct 2020 6:35pm
This holds such a nuance of emotion and time in a succinctly rendered write, it is the essence of economy. Nice subtle touch of detail, the house, the white hair. Excellent work.
16th Oct 2020 7:15pm
Thank you very much, Daniel, for your kind comment. It's very encouraging.
