A long ramble about this insanity

I would in a heart beat
Take a pair of scissors
And cut the neurons
That make me think
Over and over and over
Of this fantasy version
This isn't you, I know
I need to wake up now
And know that you
Will never love me
As much as my mental
Version of you will
You are not the ghost
You are not the void
You are not a dream
I must wake up now
I must move on now
I must pick up my feet
And take the first step
Going forward away
From this twisted reality
You are ever so human
So imperfect in this life
I could never understood
Why my mind chooses
To replay and replay and replay
All those bittersweet  memories
Most of could be said to be bad
Not just bad but nightmarish
You weren't some person
Who could save me from me
Not some heroic mythic god
I never pretended you were
At least not on the outside
I knew what kind of man you  
Could and have perfectly become
And I loved that future you deeply
With every inch of the past me
And even now I stare at your  
Messages, looking, hunting
For some clue, some indication
Some fucking miracle that you
Have been thinking of me too
That you have your ghost,
Your void, your dream, your own...
Hole in your soul where I once stood
That you have missed my presence
As much as I have missed yours
But that could never be true
Honestly I've always known that  
I know that I am some mentally damaged
Person who firmly believes that happiness
Is simply just not meant for me in this life
I dream constantly that we had a past life
Where we were together and happy
That we were more than this life
But I need to build a coffin for this
But I have been saying that for years
That I will kill my feelings for you
Feelings that I don't know if they're real
I don't know if I love you or the idea of you
Truly my mind replays your kisses like movies
Because they were the best I ever had
My mind's ghost needs to leave
We are friends and I love being your friend
My grasp on reality is breaking down
I'm wavering between two, three realities
A past life, a fantasy life, and reality life
Phasing in and out of control
Sometimes I want to be able to
Reach out and touch you so you'd know
But it's not real... It's escapism
Pure fantasy so I shut my fucking mouth
And don't tell you how much of a creep I am
I tear myself to shreds over all this
How fucking pathetic it is how many poems
I have written with your name on my lips
How fucking annoying it is to have duel feelings
Feelings that I have never consented to
My mind is my enemy; this reality is too
Maybe if I wasn't so insane I wouldnt daydream
Of a time where I lived for when I was around you
My emotions for you are some kinda aurora borealis
Floating over the waves and wrinkles in my mind
Once they floated in there they have never left
Loving you and reading so much into your actions
Have caused me to be insane and I will Never
Tell you any of this to your face
I think about gathering all these poems
And paying someone to bind them into a book
To give to you when I finally kill myself.
I understand the Lady of Shalott
Staring out... Waiting for just a glimpse of Lancelot
But she was just as crazy as I