deepundergroundpoetry.com
Busted!!!
This is just a little ditty
How your eyes easily drawn
And the view it’s oh so pretty
Too taboo to touch upon
So have to be real witty
When take a chance to glance
And if you’re busted what a pity
But you can blame it on the trance.
Published 21st Aug 2020
| Edited 22nd Aug 2020
Author's Note
For the TITS, TITS, TITS, TITS, TITS!!! comp
50 word max, if you're looking.
50 word max, if you're looking.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 5
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Aug 2020 9:37pm
24th Aug 2020 8:02pm
The San Onofre Power Plant is close by the the 5 US Freeway between Los Angeles and San Diego. It's been made fun of in a couple of movies as you look over and see them towering you can't help but smile. (The engineers probably had a sense of humor).
24th Aug 2020 8:18pm
I'm always hesitant to answer with an 'honest critique' re-write
but as a "little ditty" I think the scansion would roll off the tongue better
by sticking to a strict 8-7-8-7 syllabic count ("easily" is scudded from 3 to 2 syllables, as I guess you probably intended).
Trying hard not to change the gist, this is my suggestion:
This is just a little ditty
How our eyes are easily drawn
And the view is oh so pretty
Yet taboo to touch upon
So we have to be real witty
When we take a chance to glance,
If you’re busted, what a pity
But can blame it on the trance.
but as a "little ditty" I think the scansion would roll off the tongue better
by sticking to a strict 8-7-8-7 syllabic count ("easily" is scudded from 3 to 2 syllables, as I guess you probably intended).
Trying hard not to change the gist, this is my suggestion:
This is just a little ditty
How our eyes are easily drawn
And the view is oh so pretty
Yet taboo to touch upon
So we have to be real witty
When we take a chance to glance,
If you’re busted, what a pity
But can blame it on the trance.
24th Aug 2020 8:04pm
Thank you Josh, I always appreciate your input.
I think in the rush to publish or get the poem submitted on time for the comp, I sometimes overlook the grammar. I usually read it to myself out loud (or have the computer read it back to me) to listen to the flow.
Thank you for your suggestions as I have made those corrections.
I think in the rush to publish or get the poem submitted on time for the comp, I sometimes overlook the grammar. I usually read it to myself out loud (or have the computer read it back to me) to listen to the flow.
Thank you for your suggestions as I have made those corrections.
