Me

Do you know what I find sad?
I couldn’t tell you how it feels to be loved. I have never been loved; I have been lusted after, I have been desired but never loved.

I couldn’t tell you what a home feels like for I have never had one. I have gone from building to building never fully unpacking because I know this won’t last for long. I’ll never be here for long.

My life has been a constant cycle of moving, being too much, being not enough and just like an unwanted parcel I have been passed around.
I was; too loud, too different, too troubled, too damaged. Nothing stays in my life for more than a year. I have been too much but at the same time never enough.

I have always been alone surrounded by people who are temporary who tell me they’ll stay this time and I won’t have to worry about history repeating itself. That I don‘t have to keep everything semi packed ready for the Next move. These words have always been lies.

I have loved , deeply, intensely and with every fibre of my being but I have never experienced being loved.

I am not strong, I am stubborn I refuse to be beaten and I refuse to show weakness. Dad could hit me as hard as he wanted, for as long as he wanted but I would not flinch with every hit I would look him in the eye, and not shed a tear.
Yes he would shout and tell me that I am a monster I am unfeeling but really I would sob internally I just would not let him see weakness because when a predator senses fear and sees weakness in prey they devour them.