deepundergroundpoetry.com
KNOT
the tangle was a knot
she couldn't untie
though in her dreams
her fingers worked
until they ached
and she prayed
the clock would stop --
not stop
as that might mean death
but freeze
for a just a minute
while she worked
the knot
but the seconds
rolled on
as though with conviction
relentless,
determined
to do her in
she couldn't untie
though in her dreams
her fingers worked
until they ached
and she prayed
the clock would stop --
not stop
as that might mean death
but freeze
for a just a minute
while she worked
the knot
but the seconds
rolled on
as though with conviction
relentless,
determined
to do her in
Published 13th Jul 2020
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jul 2020 3:23pm
13th Jul 2020 5:32pm
13th Jul 2020 4:23pm
this is a great depiction of anxiety. one i, unfortunately, completely understand. and i've used these words (thought not quite so well) to describe an anxiety attack.
i wonder, though, if you the section about time stopping/freezing could be rephrased. well, just the part about freezing. because you say right before that she doesn't want time to stop because that might mean death. but freezing and stopping are basically the same thing. no? so what if you somehow worded it to be time slowing down.
and she prayed
the clock would stop --
not stop
as that might mean death
but slow down
for a just a moment
i wonder, though, if you the section about time stopping/freezing could be rephrased. well, just the part about freezing. because you say right before that she doesn't want time to stop because that might mean death. but freezing and stopping are basically the same thing. no? so what if you somehow worded it to be time slowing down.
and she prayed
the clock would stop --
not stop
as that might mean death
but slow down
for a just a moment
Hey, D! Thanks for your comment and suggestion.
I suppose I was thinking of "stop" and a permanent thing, and "freeze" as temporary, as though time could...thaw? Maybe thaw. I've wished I could freeze time.
But I see what you're saying.
Excellent comment.
Thank you.
I suppose I was thinking of "stop" and a permanent thing, and "freeze" as temporary, as though time could...thaw? Maybe thaw. I've wished I could freeze time.
But I see what you're saying.
Excellent comment.
Thank you.
Anonymous
13th Jul 2020 10:06pm
Hey, I would just replace the first "stop" with "pause" - then it becomes less of a sudden contradiction when the second "stop" hits + it will reinforce your use of "freeze" as temporary.
Anyhoo, it causes anxiety in me just reading it!
Anyhoo, it causes anxiety in me just reading it!
14th Jul 2020 1:15pm
Thanks, Johnny.
It's an anxious poem for anxious times.
It's amazing how words may have the same basic meaning but different connotations for people. One writes from his perspective, but then the words are filtered through the readers'. I've been surprised by comments that indicated a poem just didn't communicate exactly what I intended. It's good to hear that my poem evoked a little anxiety.
Thanks again, as always, for reading, commenting, and suggesting.
J.
It's an anxious poem for anxious times.
It's amazing how words may have the same basic meaning but different connotations for people. One writes from his perspective, but then the words are filtered through the readers'. I've been surprised by comments that indicated a poem just didn't communicate exactly what I intended. It's good to hear that my poem evoked a little anxiety.
Thanks again, as always, for reading, commenting, and suggesting.
J.
20th Jul 2020 5:41pm
Felt and portrayed Java
how well a moments freeze would let one rest
just enough to unwind
yet so elusive
Greatness here
how well a moments freeze would let one rest
just enough to unwind
yet so elusive
Greatness here
20th Jul 2020 10:29pm
