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the death roll is the worst of it
that, and waking in pieces
with no way to slap at the mosquitoes
she doesn't care and only knows
what the body wants --
some for now and some for later
she suns herself, her pale belly full
and warm against the damp sand,
guiltless, letting the river lull
12th Jul 2020
Poems by Author
Alligators. Narcissists. The parallels.
Image by Maysam Yabandeh on Pixnio.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re. REPTILIA (Sometimes the Heart is the Best Part)
12th Jul 2020 4:04pm
Ooof. Bonus points for originality!
I think you could strike out "at the" in Line 3.
And replace "and" with a comma in Line 6.
Meanwhile, the "and" in Line 8 rhymes great with "sand".
Read poems by JohnnyBlaze
Re: Re. REPTILIA (Sometimes the Heart is the Best Part)
12th Jul 2020 4:28pm
Thanks for those comments. I can see some of those changes. There is usually a cadence in my head that is hard to override. A syllable or a pause seems so important to me. But the rhythm apparently doesn't always come through for readers.
This is one of my favorite things I've posted lately. It was inspired reading Ted Hughes' (animal/bird) poems.
Your critiques are always appreciated, so thanks again.
Read poems by javalini
12th Jul 2020 7:01pm
Nature and Human Lives...
Always good parallel's found there!!!
This one was a perfect start off with the death roll
Tis how it is for sure!!!
You speak of the rhythm and it's importance and
how it is hard to convey to readers.
I agree, it is hard at times
Yet I feel it with this Write!!!
I don't like many "readings" of poetry
because it destroys the rhythm's I naturally hear
when I read someones Writes (most often different)
Yet I understand the want for folks to hear Yours
I'm just a firm believer in readers having to search or feel what they naturally feel.
This was Greatness Good Poet--Pen On!!!
Read poems by souladareatease
Re: Re. REPTILIA
12th Jul 2020 10:10pm
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and kind comments, S.
I'm so happy you enjoyed this one.
Read poems by javalini
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