deepundergroundpoetry.com
My mind is a prison and captivity feels like home
Refrain for the sake of little sanity
Still I remain under the spell of this brutality
With nowhere to wander
Not knowing how to diverge
I shall stay under
Under this heavy load of wanting to surrender
Don't keep telling me
'Your mind is the enemy
Playing you like a sad sad violin
So bitter yet so calming
And it's been becoming more alarming
With the crippling state you keep pacing in
If you don't make it right
Soon you'll be all out of sight
Sweet love it's time you put up a fight
Let the fire, so dire, inside to ignite'
Show but never really know
How can I ever expect myself to find my glow
If I don't let all my layers unfold
All of the profound feelings of tranquility
Deep within, even I know, are inside of me
Someday but not today, a bloom will be born
Don't keep telling me
'Your mind is the enemy
Playing you like a sad sad violin
So bitter yet so calming
And it's been becoming more alarming
With the crippling state you keep pacing in
If you don't make it right
Soon you'll be all out of sight
Sweet love it's time you put up a fight
Let the fire, so dire, inside to ignite'
Still I remain under the spell of this brutality
With nowhere to wander
Not knowing how to diverge
I shall stay under
Under this heavy load of wanting to surrender
Don't keep telling me
'Your mind is the enemy
Playing you like a sad sad violin
So bitter yet so calming
And it's been becoming more alarming
With the crippling state you keep pacing in
If you don't make it right
Soon you'll be all out of sight
Sweet love it's time you put up a fight
Let the fire, so dire, inside to ignite'
Show but never really know
How can I ever expect myself to find my glow
If I don't let all my layers unfold
All of the profound feelings of tranquility
Deep within, even I know, are inside of me
Someday but not today, a bloom will be born
Don't keep telling me
'Your mind is the enemy
Playing you like a sad sad violin
So bitter yet so calming
And it's been becoming more alarming
With the crippling state you keep pacing in
If you don't make it right
Soon you'll be all out of sight
Sweet love it's time you put up a fight
Let the fire, so dire, inside to ignite'
Published 6th Jun 2020
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The author encourages honest critique.
11th Jun 2020 11:05pm
15th Jun 2020 9:34am
26th Oct 2020 9:33pm
Hello. :) There is an honest vulnerability to your diatribe which is resonant and meaningful. I would let your rhymes be more organic, use the subtle subliminal harmony of alliteration perhaps. Also, if you fill out your writing with description of the environment and body language, the emotions also come across with a subtle vibration, in the substrate. We inexorably color how we describe sensate experience with our emotional states.
Any of my writing on site will showcase the techniques I have suggested. Thank you for being here with us.
Daniel
Any of my writing on site will showcase the techniques I have suggested. Thank you for being here with us.
Daniel
