The Rum Fruitcake Fidelity Test

The Rum Fruitcake Fidelity Test

    Rowena says, “What would you like on your breakfast salad tomorrow? I could do a mixture of tahini and lemon juice, olive oil, or red wine vinaigrette. I’ve been going heavy with the tomatoes and onions. You must be thinking, ‘God, won’t she try something different for a change?’ How does a Waldorf salad sound? Of course, I’ll make it with Vegenaise. What you eat on your lunch break is up to you. But in this house, we eat vegan. Your heart will thank me for it.”
      “Oh honey, I leave it to the chef’s discretion.”
     “So I’ve been promoted from Barmaid to Chef? That is quite an honor. I guess I am moonlighting at what shall we call it, ‘Rowena’s Vegan Cafe’? You know this is a great career move for me. As a bartender, I serve the same drinks over and over. But as a Chef the variety of dishes I can create are myriad.”
     “You’ve convinced me that romaine lettuce, alfalfa sprouts, and broccoli, etc will have a greater
impact on keeping my arterial traffic flowing than any pill.”
     “Yes, but please we are a team. I want you to be part of our decisions even with something as seemingly trivial as what’s for breakfast?”
     I reply, “Sweetest of the sweet is our old clunker stuck in the mud?”
      “I am head over heels proud of you for getting the balls to marry me. And when we became churchgoers again, we built our marriage on a rock instead of the shifting sands,” Rowena proclaims.
     “What God joined together let no woman tear apart,” I say.
     “John, it is interesting that you used the word woman instead of the conventional man in that Biblical phrase. I know the only person you worship more than me is Jesus. You’d never stray for some young tart like my friend Brandy with the tush whose pertness you’ve never discussed with me unless I bring it up first. Even though after church, you go out of your way to get coffee and donuts for Brandy to make her feel welcome because she is new to the church and not yet a member this is just your southern hospitality. You serve me strawberry shortcake from the fridge because I’m your one and only. But you fawn over this chick like she is on your first date. She is so young and beautiful. But for my sake would you be kind enough to wear this here Chastity belt? I’ll bring the key with me to the Women’s Bible study group at the church tonight.”  
     “Honey, you know I’d never let my fingers do the walking without you. But if it lets you focus on the Lord’s word instead of worrying about me at home then I’m all for it.”  
     “Sweetheart this contraption ain’t hard to put on. But let me do the honors so I can see it is nice and secure. I bought this thing off the internet and the instructions were pretty clear even for me and you know I am not the sharpest tool on the block.” Rowena slips my cock in the cage like a crazy man in a straightjacket. My wiener is nice and snug but the hard part is yet to come, pardon the pun. Her handling me makes my prick resist arrest by trying to rise but firmly held in place. My willy waggles in its jail like a prisoner trying to escape his cell.  
     “Darling of mine, when you men get worked up those thoughts come unbidden. This will keep you from letting those fantasies take control of your mind.”  
     “Please don’t stay for the coffee and donuts. Get home soon. My pecker is already feeling like an inmate in solitary confinement.”  
     “Think of it as God’s will. I am your maiden whose hand has exclusive rights to your penis.”  
     While Rowena is away my eyes are entertained by Bible lessons on TV taught by the reverend Throckmorton. Anything to take my mind off the fairer sex is welcome. Finally, I hear her open the door. “Rowena thank God you’re back. Please unhook this thing.”  
     Rowena smiles and cocks her hip. She puts her fingers to her mouth and says, “Oh my, it slipped my mind. The ladies at the class decided to put their husbands to the test. There is no use begging me for the key since I let Brandy keep it. But you could appeal to Brandy’s mercy if your modesty permits. I’m off to the bowling alley with my lady friends but Brandy is at home watching her favorite episode of ‘Fallen Wives Confess All.’”  
     “You know I love you, sweet darling. But there is only so much a man can withstand. If I go a whole night like this I may end up trying to jimmy this thing which could break my bong.”
     “Well, then hubby take this key to her door, give it to her, and see if she helps you.”
     I hop in the car and head straight over to Brandy’s not caring a damn about my embarrassment or what she may say. I knock on the door like a lost soul seeking freedom. Brandy answers and says, “Oh my John, you came at last. Come on in and let me give you some fruitcake.” Her tongued words lick my libido with Pentecostal passion. She opens the door to her softly lit cushioned condo. I sit opposite her parted legs. She perches atop the seat of her chair in a yoga pose with her womanly heat barely concealed in a khaki shorts tease. She says, “Can I get you anything? Coke and rum?”  
     I reply, “I don’t drink.”  
     She throws back her head and laughs. “Hey, I’m not trying to ply you with liquor to have my way with you. I know how to mix one that’ll knock your socks off. Let me make one for you; just a teensy-weensy one. You won’t get drunk. I promise.”  
     I nod in acquiescence. “Well, just one.”  
     I sip her concoction until I say, “My cup is empty.”  
     “I’ll fill it for you. There is no need to restrain yourself in my presence. Let me unpack your ladyware so that you can prove its fine quality which Rowena brags to me about. Come now, wouldn’t you like me to free your pecker from that awful cage? Your knight doesn’t deserve to be sissified by such a forced bow. Besides, I feel like I’ve already seen it, I mean you in your bathing suit.”
     “How could it be revealed by my swim trunks?”
     Brandy replies, “Your wife described you in your thong bathing suit. So all I can picture is your bulge size. Let’s not quibble about measurements. If you’d like I can put into words for you a vision of me in lingerie.”
     My lips open and words spill. “Oh Brandy, I can’t do that to Rowena. It would break her heart.
Just give me that there key and I’ll be on my way.”      
     Brandy tries to stop her laughter with her hand on her mouth. She bowls over with giggles. Finally, she reveals the secret. “John, the key your wife gave you to give me is the very same one for your cock cage. You see this was a test of your fidelity. Had you taken me up on my offer then you’d have broken your marriage covenant. You can relax now. You resisted the beast that I am. This was more fun than being served pastries and beverages by you in the Fellowship Hall. Now go in the powder room and unleash that tiger in your pants.” I am more than ready for the jailbreak. So I comply. When I emerge like a new man I say, “I sure could use some of that fruitcake.”
     “It is fresh out of the oven. You’ll be the first to taste it. Does it suit your palate?”
     “Your cake is the food of the Gods. Can I have one more piece?”
     “You can have just one more because I want to save some for your wife and myself of course. The cake is spiked with rum, which will relieve anxiety for the two of you. This may channel your sexual tension with me toward your wife thus not squandering that tallywacker which even those slacks can’t quite hide.”
     “Rowena is out with the women’s church bowling league tonight. They always go there after Bible Study. How will I cope?”
      “John, this cake is to enhance your love life. How it influences your lonely hours is not for me to know.”