deepundergroundpoetry.com
February 28th, 2020
I put an apple-core into thawing earth today--
pushed it into her fertility with my boot--
and stood back, surprised.
I hadn’t planned a tree for the yard,
but found its desire humming in my stomach,
vibrating the bones,
resonating my hollow cave
with its springtime cravings.
What a thing it is to desire:
The muzzled animal in your cage
speaking strange volumes more eloquent than language can will from tongue,
leaving us in sudden silent mystery.
pushed it into her fertility with my boot--
and stood back, surprised.
I hadn’t planned a tree for the yard,
but found its desire humming in my stomach,
vibrating the bones,
resonating my hollow cave
with its springtime cravings.
What a thing it is to desire:
The muzzled animal in your cage
speaking strange volumes more eloquent than language can will from tongue,
leaving us in sudden silent mystery.
Published 2nd Mar 2020
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Mar 2020 4:46pm
2nd Mar 2020 6:29pm
This was a true vibrational moment of connection with the earth and growth, Harry. Spring is in your blood. Exceptional write.
In the spirit of honest critique, one part tripped me up—
than language [ can will ] from tongue,
Did you forget "or" between them, or, perhaps to omit one of them? I think you can get away without a determiner preceding tongue; but the conjoining verbs tripped me up a bit.
In the spirit of honest critique, one part tripped me up—
than language [ can will ] from tongue,
Did you forget "or" between them, or, perhaps to omit one of them? I think you can get away without a determiner preceding tongue; but the conjoining verbs tripped me up a bit.
2nd Mar 2020 6:32pm
Thanks for the RL add! I hear you on that verb combo. I had intended "can" as auxiliary to "will," as in desire. It does trip the reader, though. I wonder how I could simplify it and still get the meaning I intended.
2nd Mar 2020 7:02pm
You're welcome.
I'm thinking on that.
Try reading it aloud with a conjunction, 'and', perhaps. This is a simple yet profound verse; I say keep the language the same.
I'm still thinking, however.
I'm thinking on that.
Try reading it aloud with a conjunction, 'and', perhaps. This is a simple yet profound verse; I say keep the language the same.
I'm still thinking, however.
Oh wait!!! Now I get it! The context of 'will' is to will something into being, not expressing a future intent.
Oh shoot. This is a tough one, being your context needs to reflect an adjective's meaning, not verb, such as she willed it into being.
Perhaps just split the line? Would could work better than can? I would also insert the determiner, as I think it clarifies the meaning better.
speaking strange volumes more eloquent /
than language [ could ] will from [the ] tongue,
Oh shoot. This is a tough one, being your context needs to reflect an adjective's meaning, not verb, such as she willed it into being.
Perhaps just split the line? Would could work better than can? I would also insert the determiner, as I think it clarifies the meaning better.
speaking strange volumes more eloquent /
than language [ could ] will from [the ] tongue,
Anonymous
- Edited 12th Mar 2020 7:54pm
12th Mar 2020 7:48pm
Late to the party, Harry, but I agree with Ahavati on the proposed edit.
Or you could simplify even further
"speaking strange volumes more eloquent
than language wills from tongue,"
I would also suggest
"but found want humming in my stomach"
because it's not a large poem and you use "desire" again later on.
I really enjoy your metaphors in explaining that desire is a communication.
Or you could simplify even further
"speaking strange volumes more eloquent
than language wills from tongue,"
I would also suggest
"but found want humming in my stomach"
because it's not a large poem and you use "desire" again later on.
I really enjoy your metaphors in explaining that desire is a communication.
3rd Mar 2020 7:08pm
Hm. Been over this a few times now. Just sort of letting it take roots, as it were. It has the kind of subtle depth, spirit moving between the lines, beneath the substrate of the surface action, that I always admire. I bet Missy would really liket this piece, with it's natural connotations. You forge an organic link between the earth and animal nature. It reminds me of the intrinsic interconnections of all things.
