“The Sun”

Asking questions is good technique, it gets neurons firing, engages critical thinking. Also, direct address begins to create rapport with the reader. I would be careful of too much repetition of lines, which I tend to call refrain. A bit of it can be good, but everything in moderation. Breaking up your enjambments into shorter lines creates pauses, for emphasis. Also, punctuation can change the way a line reads. Here is a quick edit for illustration,

"Where does the sun go
When it leaves
My eyes
To set

On lonely nights and
Uninspired mornings

When the cold emotions
Of the ones we love
Shine bright

Where does the sun go
When it’s warmth is so
Desperately
Needed

Does it shine
On the other side
Of a lover’s quarrel

Hope you lie
Restless
And void of creativity

Freeze you out
Of comfort zones
Into selfishness

Does it enjoy your
Hurt
Heart’s
Pleadings

Not sure where the sun goes
Or why

Learning to enjoy
Its presence and stay
Faithful
To its return

For the sun has a purpose
Unlike mine
Honoring its submission
To an order so divine."

Greetings the 1st,
In that one edit you have made it clear the importance of structure for certain pieces. I can feel the intentions of the piece clearly and uninhibited. I am going to practice this style when I pen my next piece. Thanks in abundance for that understanding. Because I am truly a novice with no real technique, would you tell me what that structure style is referred to in the world of poetry?? Again thanks!!

I agree. He would be better with a little push. Everyone can improve because we don't know everything.

This is a free form edit, just broken up and slowed down for emphasis, chosen by feel. Though many write well within structured form, it is not the way I go about it. To me, nothing matters in a write so much as the honesty of emotion it conveys.

I'm glad you found the edit useful. If you would like some helpful and positive feedback, please join us in the group, Cafe Critique. :)

Greetings,
Your edit was phenomenal. As I stated earlier, I am a novice with no form of training. I write what feels good, they way it feels good to me. However, my shared writings need to convey the feeling and emotions that I feel. And structure in some cases, like your edit, will allow the message to enter with out obstacle. I will be submitting another piece this afternoon that has taken into account the feedback I have received today. I look forward to you reading it and providing more insight as I traverse this world of sharing my raw thoughts with the universe!! As always thanks so much for taking the time to share and Care... You are truly my 1st...I mean that in the most respectful way!!

Again the message is superb. All questions gravitating toward one point. I write with rhyme and metaphor but you don't care to rhyme i liked this a lot.

The structure I would have gone for 2 stanzas: Questions and everything else.

The way you write even without rhyme is extremely good so be yourself just make sure to help people follow your thoughts.

Greetings,
I thank you for entering my thoughts once more... I am going to work on structure as I see how much more of the meaning can be overstood clearly... because I am a novice and have no form of training, this platform has become my poetry writing university... Again thanks!

I never had training. I am just perceptive and so are you. Most people who write don't need a whole lot of training. It's hard to be bad with words and become an author or writer. I'm only 21 and still learning. Experience isn't always the ultimate card sometimes it Is passion and emotion. Well said.

I also would try to add some rhythm or flow within the questions. When asking a question don't stop there delve a bit deeper. You write very strong emotion in such an erratic way and to some it isn't pleasing. But if you put all those questions and feelings together you will so something great. Poetry isn't just rhyme or structure. And sometimes in order to get others to see it how you want them to see it you have to adjust. A lot of my writing is like a Rubix Cube. If you don't really study the poem you miss the point. I also write stuff easier to understand but in either instance you have to find a balance between what you want and what others want.

I do believe in order to cut down on the repetativeness without changing too much you could say

"Where is the sun when it leaves my eyes to set?
Where is the sun on lonely nights and uninspired mornings?
Where is the sun when the cold emotions of the ones we love shine bright?
Where is the sun when it’s warmth is so desperately needed?
Does it shine on the other side of a lover’s quarrel?
Does it hope you lie restless and void of creativity?
Does it freeze you out of comfort zones into selfishness?
Does it enjoy your hurt heart’s pleadings?"

This at least kicks out 4 out of 8 instances of "does".

Anyhoo, it speaks strongly to me of abandonment and intention to overcome such through faith.

Greetings,
Thanks for taking the time to explore my thoughts once more. The piece for me was like a question, then an answer via another question; as we are all seekers. And the answers we seek are usually found in the questions we ask and vice versa, creating this continuum. Nevertheless, I am over elated at the feedback I am receiving.  I am making adjustments as I am learning, while also keeping true to my organic style. I am going to submit another piece later  and  I hope the structure I use allows its message is received clearly and uninhibited. I look forward to your feedback... Again thanks in abundance!!

Hey! Check out this forum topic in the near future. It's mostly about being new to DUP and submitting poems.

https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11157/

My poetry professor (who we called the "punctuation police") was a big proponent on the selective use of punctuation ... she instead emphasized the use of spacing on a line as commas, line breaks as periods, and double line breaks as equal to a new paragraph. For what it is worth ... welcome to DUP ...

Greetings,
Thanks for taking the time to explore my world... also for taking the time to view and provide feedback on my piece. Thanks for that bit of information, I will keep that close when I "pick up the pen." I posted another piece, attempting to provide some structure to my shared pieces and incorporate some of the advice I received earlier. I'd love to know what you get from the piece... Again, thanks!

Wonderful write, I found this pretty inspiring.
Well done.