Afterthought

Remembering what I said last night, now I reflect
I should have been a little more cautious with my words
But then again hindsight is always twenty-twenty
I blurted out the things that came to mind
And now I’m choosing on what to do next.
 
I don’t know why I said it
But my intuition was to be honest,
Now the poet in me is sad.
 
I slept on it but still
No answers came to me in dreams…
 
It’s like we go through this cycle,
Every once in a while we’ll argue,
Reconnect and become closer,
Until something else comes along.
 
I kept saying “I don’t know”
Because I don’t understand it,
But it’s a little frustrating to listen and hear
That my monotone deliveries
Are fake and unfeeling.
 
Fuck body language!
Listen to my words,
 
I’m slightly autistic  
I don’t care what the experts say
 
I’m opening up
But you’re stuck on the reflections
Or the façade of my crossed arms,
 
But my honesty tends to do that,
It’s kind of ugly when I speak it,
Unless I put it in verse…
 
I don’t want to do this shit at forty-five,
Giving up everything I have,
Sleeping in my car,
Just so I can provide,
And no I won’t ask for help,
That’s my fault for too much pride.
 
Maybe that’s what wrong, me.
Maybe I’m bi-polar
Maybe it’s the Gemini.
 
I don’t want to settle, or deal with
But you know me, I become numb,
I shut out the world and go live in a fantasy realm
Because that child me still dreams.
 
Maybe I’m not mature enough,
To deal with my karma and your insecurities  
To understand what you’re going through…
 
They say women mature faster than men
And if I’m only nine months ahead of you
Emotionally I’m two decades behind...
May I should catch up.
 
I don’t know, if feels like
Our perceptions are so different
But your self-doubt backs me into a corner
To a dark place I used to dwell
And I don’t know want to go there
Because that’s not who I am anymore.
 
Perhaps that’s the answer,
We’ve grown apart
And that for the sake of children
I shouldn’t be unhappy.
 
But you know me, I won’t speak it,
I’ll write it in verse
I’m a little slow that way,
But if I publish and post it my voice is sure to last.