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Tremble
(Ode to a True Love Lost) written by Steve Cooke
She kissed me under the lamp post
A kiss so soft that my lips trembled.
I felt her being entering my heart
And my soul wrapping itself around her
Wanting to keep for eternity.
She looked into my eyes, my body trembled
Life had only one meaning, and it was she
Suddenly I was afraid.
I longed for her to be my destiny
But relationships would have to be sacrificed
And Love cannot be sullied with such things,
And then, she was gone.
We both knew it could never be.
She was the Earth and I was the Moon
Orbiting on the outskirts of her Life,
I was always just a tear away.
The years have past
And still she lies deep within my being.
If there is a God, pray grant this Sinner one last request.
When I take my last breath,
Let my Soul find her again
in a place where time and space have no meaning
And let us be together as one,
And we will welcome eternity together as one.
She kissed me under the lamp post
A kiss so soft that my lips trembled.
I felt her being entering my heart
And my soul wrapping itself around her
Wanting to keep for eternity.
She looked into my eyes, my body trembled
Life had only one meaning, and it was she
Suddenly I was afraid.
I longed for her to be my destiny
But relationships would have to be sacrificed
And Love cannot be sullied with such things,
And then, she was gone.
We both knew it could never be.
She was the Earth and I was the Moon
Orbiting on the outskirts of her Life,
I was always just a tear away.
The years have past
And still she lies deep within my being.
If there is a God, pray grant this Sinner one last request.
When I take my last breath,
Let my Soul find her again
in a place where time and space have no meaning
And let us be together as one,
And we will welcome eternity together as one.
Published 1st Jan 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st Jan 2012 5:17pm
Well, this has the potential to be a great poem certainly in terms of its energy, its impact, its passion and its integrity but what stops it, what interferes with its genius is the lack of mystery:
For example, your lips should not have trembled but perhaps been ambiguously suggested by having the 'lamp post trembled' or the 'bulb blew' which would have been weirdly amusing and also immediate, almost irresistible, suggested by the alliteration.
Perhaps, too, the fear that you felt could have resonated for longer without the need for the adverb, 'suddenly'?
I love the imagery of the hopeless distances, the unbridgeable gulf felt because of the 'relationships' oppressing this stolen kiss but perhaps that line could have been re-worked to contain all your fury, all your disappointment and all of hers..
Still, a poem with a force, a fuse, a bite and an energy that is compelling. Doubtless, almost as compelling as that imagery of the 'soft kiss'
For example, your lips should not have trembled but perhaps been ambiguously suggested by having the 'lamp post trembled' or the 'bulb blew' which would have been weirdly amusing and also immediate, almost irresistible, suggested by the alliteration.
Perhaps, too, the fear that you felt could have resonated for longer without the need for the adverb, 'suddenly'?
I love the imagery of the hopeless distances, the unbridgeable gulf felt because of the 'relationships' oppressing this stolen kiss but perhaps that line could have been re-worked to contain all your fury, all your disappointment and all of hers..
Still, a poem with a force, a fuse, a bite and an energy that is compelling. Doubtless, almost as compelling as that imagery of the 'soft kiss'
