Shattered

Keep up the good work

Thanks so much for your comment. It means a lot :)

I can picture the beauty of this - as a relationship that ended - and destroyed the love between them - well done - ^v^

Thanks nightspirit, that means a lot coming from you. :)

Rachel, your raw emotions and feelings continues to bring out your best work.

You haven't disappointed yet.

Even when the dust settles, I hope you don't lose your edge.

Thank you Kym...What a great comment. I am always happy to see them from you. :)

Rachel,
Without a doubt, this is a fine write.

there are a few things that i believe take away from it... bear with me here.

I have seen the use of the repetitive first line "shattered" work in the context of 'spoken word' live on the mike. It works rather well in that context.



Here, it seems a little excessive, you would really have to stick a period after each one to prevent the reader trying to follow through onto the next line, I see you started to do that at first.

I would respectively suggest, using 'shattered' on the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th and 9th and see how that works for you.

also rather than have to stick a period at the end, try separate it altogether i.e ;

Shattered

An hourglass vase
Dropped by his hands
Left behind, abandoned
Swarovski strands
  
 
On goers look
Disgust they conceal
No longer beautiful
No more appeal
  
Shattered
 
Few tried to piece
Shredded skin they drew
Not wanted again
Fragments they threw

what do you reckon,
  
Part of *it's missing, see the problem with the *it's in this line is that it would refer to a particular item, part of it's hand is missing.
you would really have to go with 'it is' on that one.

just on my own preference i think i would prefer crystal to Swarovski but as i say that's just me.

I hope this has proved to be of some help to you, that's all it is meant to be. not a beat down on your work, which as i said at the start is mighty good.

Eamonn.
 

Eamon,
I love when I am given advice. I truly want to be great at this. It will never be taken as a beat down.

I see what you mean when I read this out loud...your way DOES sound better...however, I have reason that make it not seem possible to do all of it like that. Let me explain.

In Stanza's 1-3 the word "shattered" refers to the vase....which is obviously a woman...the first being literal, the second and third being emotional. So the period works.
  She is shattered by a man...others try and date her, she has too much baggage for them...shattered.

The next four stanza's refer to the man...and his emotional state. The period doesn't work there IMO.
   He carefully puts her back together and realizes that her heart is still in the hands of the one who let her go...he builds her a new one...makes her full of love, but because of his own baggage, she is still not enough for him.

Then the last two refer again to the vase, first the emotional state then the physical. I still don't see how the period would work there either.
   Being ignored and neglected, she starts to wither away again...until she just perishes.

Do you think doing that messes with the flow of it?

Maybe you can help me out with that. To me...shattered introduces each stanza differently.

On to it's vs it is...part of the heart is missing...
"Part of it's missing
The heart he pursues"

Do you think it should still be it is? Does that sound better...more flow like?

I think Crystal will sound better...honestly I have trouble pronouncing Swarovski...I will definitely change that.

I don't mean to sound argumentative...I very much appreciate your advice. I just want to fully understand it.  


 

Rachel,  
 
yeah, i get what you are saying and having explained what the craic is i see where you are coming from with the periods.  
 
Though i would add that i think that a period is used to stop and start the reader.  
 
i am glad you used crystal, i was having trouble pronouncing Swarovski myself.  
 
 "It's" , well i just looked it up to make sure i knew what i am talking about and it would seem that one of the rules is.. "if you can replace it's with it is then it's is what you are looking for" so you are indeed right with it's  
 
In conclusion, I thought my observations made a lot of sense at the time of writing them and now on reflection i see that you were right to question them.  
 
fair play.. shine on !  
 
Eamonn.

Eamonn,
You are a great writer, so anything I can learn from you is very much appreciated.

I am sorry to but into your convo guys, but may I ask why we are stuck at the period? The wonder of punctuation is that there are many signs to use, all with great meaning behind them. So if you opened yourselves a little, you could depict the various wordplays on "shattered" with various punctuation marks (,)(:)(;)(!)(?)(-) if you think about and work with it, you could give "shattered" a sexuality. Without being blunt. This is just opinion. Oh did I mention I love this write?

Thanks for the comment!

Feel free to bud in anytime Alip...your two cents is always truly an honor. :)

With that said, I am afraid you may have gone over my head a bit when you said, "you could give "shattered" a sexuality".
Please explain...

I personally am not hung up on the period. I did want to start/stop those first stanzas, but if it sounds better without the period, I will take it out. I still don't see how putting punctuation after shattered in the other stanza's will work, regardless of the punctuation.  

Any input I get is very much appreciated.

from the very start it pulled me in.. great read Rachel!

Thank you so much mememe. It is always a pleasure hearing from you. :)

Revisited; Flawless writings. I preferred its raw form, the one I read on its day of release.

But then why should my preference mean anything?
Besides, I reckon I am drawn to imperfection


Pick up your pen rachel. You've slept long enough.