Pages torn from a hustler's journal: 8

The hardest truth I ever learned was how to strategize for self love. The truth isn’t just in knowing the principle, that you can’t sacrifice your way to happiness, or give your contentment away. The truth is in the doing. The proof is in the pudding. Learning how to recognize guilt as a chain, a weapon of someone else’s insecurity and pain they are still hanging onto, projecting onto you was a true step to take. Learning to recognize my worth and journey, that there is nothing true in what Ken had to say. Anything that has that resonance to it is likely to be gas-lighting. Gas lighting, like a lot of annoyances is conflicting with survival mechanisms. Annoyance is a sign of survival principles being compromised and the gravitas thereof is what’s being shifted to levity when we make fun of things. The release of comedy when it pours often shows the degree to which a situation is askew, the level of compromise that is being made and unacknowledged. The hardest truth is that you lose yourself, you lose your love when you sacrifice what matters most. The opposite happens when you give your art and love away to those who appreciate and receive with love and joy, those who reciprocate and love what you bring. It’s a hard truth to bear that you will lose your love, your drive your life when you let anything else be more important than yourself, your journey,


My greatest dream in life is to become successful at my own businesses enough to support myself and take care of my family at the end of life. Whether this means buying a small house for my sister and I or dropping a nest egg on her to ensure she’s okay if I die first and living in rented space while pursuing my independence, I want to be able to teach jiu jitsu, massage, freestyle, stand up, craft ideas, and make enough money doing so to live, function and see tomorrow. Presently I am making money massaging and providing special services. I am studying jiu jitsu and studying business, social sciences, and focusing hard on myself. If I chip away I can have my independence and in doing so make my dent in the universe, By doing massage and teaching jiu jitsu, blowing open breakthroughs, challenging conventions and making women orgasm in the process I will be delivering great value into the world, helping people and changing lives for the better, making people healthier, more functional, happier, more defensible, more confident, more in touch with their animal selves, more alive and vibrant, while creating a community of like-minded people and spreading my principles and ideas through my work in the service and the conversations. My dreams are aligned with leaving this world a better place than how I found it, and in line with leaving every person, situation and conversation better than how I found them.


History repeats itself because humans, and life itself moves in cycles. Power reverberates and so tit-for-tat actions have to occur. Hostility breeds hostility and weapons escalate as do tactics. Eventually hostilities cease, when enough is expended and resource is insufficient to remain hostile. Then during times of peace there’s growth, but it’s slower, in spurts and it’s without as much direction. Bubbles form because the empty space is filled. Bubbles burst because they can’t self-sustain. New bubbles form as the collapsing is rife with hostilities, unmet needs, resources re-allocated, all sorts of friction. Friction is heat and entropy, which is a decay of existing material and the increasing of disorder, the dispersal of energy. From there of course is a condensing of energy in spots, an increasing of order, new bubbles forming as it were, and those are the slower spurts of growth during peaceful times. Hard times make strong men. Strong men make good times. Good times make weak men. Weak men make hard times. History repeats because it requires a decisive majority with a multi-generational view and integrated decision making from a critical analysis base to break a cycle. It isn’t enough to isolate elements, point fingers and remove strata from the ziggurat because it isn’t fucking Jenga. If it were, then the Culture War would be won with whining and that would be all the work humans need to advance on the spiral of civilization. History repeats because systems repeat and replicate, as that’s the way of physics. Reproduction will continue to occur until the super-organism adapts to new conditions and reaches optimal resource efficiency, which in the macro is for an eye blink as the environment is altered from that efficiency. Or as Alan Watts says “the organisms is the environment. The two are transactional.” As the whole grows, the whole repeats as well. As above, so below. Math repeats. Patterns occur because flow is unstoppable. Momentum does.


My alter ego is Loki of Literati. He looks like me, in that he is me, based on me, but based on the me that when I was little and alone would pretend to be David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Lenny Kravitz, Billy Idol, Wesley from Princess Bride, Mowgli, Zorro, Tarzan, Peter Pan, Robin Hood, Sisyphus, Beowulf, Prometheus, Francis Marion the Swamp Fox, Jack from the Fables, the original Rogue Princes. Loki of Literati has spiked hair, smirks, uses a ton of facial rebus to accentuate and fill the empty spaces when he doesn’t talk. Loki rides the melody of subtext, non-verbal communication, pheromonal and electric exchange. Loki is in my massage work, in my jiu jitsu, my longboarding, my rock climbing, my dance and Kempo, my Tai Chi and yoga, my love-making and my intuition. Loki is the very spirit of subversive wisdom, born from the push-back to authority, conformity, to the need to sacrifice one’s dreams and real innate knowledge to feed the collective ego. Loki is the free spirit who listens to fire and hears whispers when people aren’t speaking. Loki lives in the transcendent spaces and never woke up from the moments of non-duality. Loki embraces change, strange, chaos, the way off path, because comedy bridges disparate paths back instantly. Loki flips the script and finds the truth that was overlooked. The original Lotus without pardon in a garden of shit and mud. Loki is fluidity, flexibility, authenticity, presence, comedy, sex, lucidity, intuition, the aggression of momentum and the intensity of reflection in its searing blue center. Loki is the wobble in the tunnel made when two mirrors face. Loki is the return on investment for staircase wit. Loki is lightning in a bottle. Loki is the finest lines from the books you always meant to read. Loki is going back to talk to the woman who knew you wanted her, but didn’t know for sure and sure didn’t expect that boldness. Loki is the visceral reality of society, the animal underneath civilization but also the highest state I can achieve, the highest state of love and altruism that I can imagine a man being. Loki is the Dos Equis guy to me, the most interesting man in the world. Loki is my idealized self, Caged Hawk, the avatar I developed from age 16 forward and at 17 swore I would become and sacrificed everything to become. Loki is the essence of my journey and my legacy.