deepundergroundpoetry.com
The fear of something real.
I fucked myself to your picture today.
Right after you told me goodbye for the hundredth time.
You never cared much for the truth.
I opened up for you like a fragile paper flower.
Spilling every bittersweet drop of myself into your
twisted game of oral origami.
And you're going to pretend not to love the taste?
You've always preferred a watered down version of my chaos.
Raw truth drowned by the agonizing silence of every
unanswered text I send you.
A pick and mix bag of your hand-chosen absences.
And I purge my unclothed emotions through salty sea-bound eyes.
I've never shown this authenticity to anyone but you.
And you pull away, scared again...
Reminding me exactly why I haven't.
Right after you told me goodbye for the hundredth time.
You never cared much for the truth.
I opened up for you like a fragile paper flower.
Spilling every bittersweet drop of myself into your
twisted game of oral origami.
And you're going to pretend not to love the taste?
You've always preferred a watered down version of my chaos.
Raw truth drowned by the agonizing silence of every
unanswered text I send you.
A pick and mix bag of your hand-chosen absences.
And I purge my unclothed emotions through salty sea-bound eyes.
I've never shown this authenticity to anyone but you.
And you pull away, scared again...
Reminding me exactly why I haven't.
Published 13th Dec 2019
| Edited 20th Dec 2019
Author's Note
"Wanna talk about it?" He asks.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 15
reading list entries 3
comments 18
reads 868
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
13th Dec 2019 5:48am
She Becks And If He Does Not Answer :
The Neck , Is A Chosen Select , A Soul Correct
Well written , Lady...you got the guts and the deadly aim with words !
The Neck , Is A Chosen Select , A Soul Correct
Well written , Lady...you got the guts and the deadly aim with words !
Anonymous
- Edited 29th Apr 2020 5:45pm
13th Dec 2019 6:49am
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
13th Dec 2019 10:01am
<< post removed >>
13th Dec 2019 5:52pm
You’ve always preferred a watered down version of my chaos.
That struck me.
That struck me.
14th Dec 2019 5:06am
18th Dec 2019 3:19am
14th Dec 2019 10:06am
"Spilling every bittersweet drop of myself into your
twisted game of oral oragami.
And you're going to pretend not to love the taste?"
Gave me chills. You have a real talent. I really look forward to reading more from you!
twisted game of oral oragami.
And you're going to pretend not to love the taste?"
Gave me chills. You have a real talent. I really look forward to reading more from you!
17th Dec 2019 9:25pm
14th Dec 2019 3:19pm
17th Dec 2019 9:33pm
This is a great piece of poetry - very raw in context and emotionally real. It's very engaging because it's completely relatable.
I'd like to honor your request for honest critique by suggesting less end stops and more cohesion. I'll demonstrate an example with the first two stanzas:
I fucked myself to your picture today—
[r]ight after you told me goodbye for the hundredth time.
You never cared much for the truth.
I opened up for you like a fragile paper flower
spilling every bittersweet drop of myself into your
twisted game of oral oragami;
[a]nd you're going to pretend not to love the taste?
Also, origami*
An em dash or semi is perfect for linking lines along the same vein of thought. I have used an example of each for you to gauge.
Thank you for sharing.
I'd like to honor your request for honest critique by suggesting less end stops and more cohesion. I'll demonstrate an example with the first two stanzas:
I fucked myself to your picture today—
[r]ight after you told me goodbye for the hundredth time.
You never cared much for the truth.
I opened up for you like a fragile paper flower
spilling every bittersweet drop of myself into your
twisted game of oral oragami;
[a]nd you're going to pretend not to love the taste?
Also, origami*
An em dash or semi is perfect for linking lines along the same vein of thought. I have used an example of each for you to gauge.
Thank you for sharing.
18th Dec 2019 3:23am
Thank you so much for the honest and helpful feedback! I'm always looking for ways to improve. I never quite understood why people did this "[r]ight after you told me..." in poetry. I usually just scribble this shit on napkins and hope I inspire someone 😜
18th Dec 2019 1:53pm
You're definitely inspiring as well as talented. The only issue I see you may need improvement on is form and punctuation!
18th Dec 2019 7:28am
19th Dec 2019 4:12pm
Yes!!
Say it !
Omg you write it so well tell it even better than I ever would’ve !
So clear.
even my frustrations has been let out by reading this.
<3
H
Say it !
Omg you write it so well tell it even better than I ever would’ve !
So clear.
even my frustrations has been let out by reading this.
<3
H
Anonymous
- Edited 4th Jun 2022 2:45am
21st Dec 2019 1:45am
<< post removed >>
22nd Dec 2019 11:23pm
Anonymous
- Edited 6th Jan 2020 5:45pm
24th Dec 2019 7:15am
<< post removed >>
