deepundergroundpoetry.com
Agonia
Hold your breath and dive deep into the fleeting emotion
Let go
Then soar high into the sky
You’ll fly into the furthest reaches of your mind and mine
That as I watch you die a little and I too will follow you
Unwavering, through and through
Into the vast expanse of inner space
Where everything as we know it, is still undefined
Perplexed and mystified
You’ll feel numb as if your very spirit has left the flesh
In the eternity of a split second where it’s all intermeshed
And the answers to the ponders we have not thought of
Will be given in the revelation, the culmination of love
Let go
Then soar high into the sky
You’ll fly into the furthest reaches of your mind and mine
That as I watch you die a little and I too will follow you
Unwavering, through and through
Into the vast expanse of inner space
Where everything as we know it, is still undefined
Perplexed and mystified
You’ll feel numb as if your very spirit has left the flesh
In the eternity of a split second where it’s all intermeshed
And the answers to the ponders we have not thought of
Will be given in the revelation, the culmination of love
Published 5th Dec 2019
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Dec 2019 2:10pm
Ohhhh those final lines where there clouds dissipate and it all becomes clear. Really enjoyed that.
I want to honor your request for honest critique by offering the following.
Hold your breath—
dive deep into the fleeting emotion
Let go—
then, soar high into the sky;
you’ll fly into the furthest reaches
of your mind, and mine
As I watch you die a little
I too will follow you—
unwavering, through and through
into vast expanse of inner space
where everything as we know
is still undefined—
perplexed and mystified
You’ll feel numb—
as if your very spirit has left the flesh
in the eternity of a split second
where it’s all intermeshed
And answers to the ponders
we have not thought of
Will be given in revelation—
the culmination of love
All I did, basically, was adjust the form. Used the em dash for emphasis, and shed many extra determiners ( the ), conjunctions ( and/when ). I think I may have replaced one word, and I adjusted the caps and lower cases accordingly.
The essence of this is terrific and reflects that moment of letting go completely in trust with another person.
I want to honor your request for honest critique by offering the following.
Hold your breath—
dive deep into the fleeting emotion
Let go—
then, soar high into the sky;
you’ll fly into the furthest reaches
of your mind, and mine
As I watch you die a little
I too will follow you—
unwavering, through and through
into vast expanse of inner space
where everything as we know
is still undefined—
perplexed and mystified
You’ll feel numb—
as if your very spirit has left the flesh
in the eternity of a split second
where it’s all intermeshed
And answers to the ponders
we have not thought of
Will be given in revelation—
the culmination of love
All I did, basically, was adjust the form. Used the em dash for emphasis, and shed many extra determiners ( the ), conjunctions ( and/when ). I think I may have replaced one word, and I adjusted the caps and lower cases accordingly.
The essence of this is terrific and reflects that moment of letting go completely in trust with another person.
8th Dec 2019 5:30pm
Thank you Ahavati, I'll certainly work on that, adding those spaces gives it more effect.
