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Sunset Beach - collab between Harper and AliP
Love ballads are sung by the windy crooner
words of devotion sandblasted into skin
salty verse is worn like a tattoo.
The sun is falling into the distant horizon
sultry waves caress their sun kissed bodies
as they lay massaged by the ocean.
The coolness of the water contrasts their heat
rosy cheeks being the only clue
casually their hands meet and they smile.
On Sunset Beach they are relaxed
a table for two is set and a candle lit
enchanted by the beauty of surrounding paradise.
Words are exchanged he grins knowingly
a gentle squeeze of her hand and he blushes
the salty breeze brings with it evenings promise.
Her heart a shell washed to shore and exposed
mind racing past her consciousness
and he pulls her in like the approaching waves.
They embrace and he whispers to her beating heart
the Seagulls chorus a sweet lullaby
she smiles and their lips meet.
words of devotion sandblasted into skin
salty verse is worn like a tattoo.
The sun is falling into the distant horizon
sultry waves caress their sun kissed bodies
as they lay massaged by the ocean.
The coolness of the water contrasts their heat
rosy cheeks being the only clue
casually their hands meet and they smile.
On Sunset Beach they are relaxed
a table for two is set and a candle lit
enchanted by the beauty of surrounding paradise.
Words are exchanged he grins knowingly
a gentle squeeze of her hand and he blushes
the salty breeze brings with it evenings promise.
Her heart a shell washed to shore and exposed
mind racing past her consciousness
and he pulls her in like the approaching waves.
They embrace and he whispers to her beating heart
the Seagulls chorus a sweet lullaby
she smiles and their lips meet.
Published 28th Dec 2011
| Edited 29th Dec 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 9
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
H and Al
The best of two worlds.
First a few things that
caught my eye:
1. 2L-I feel 'get'/'are' is
missing post 'devotion.'
2. 11L-'Is' is not redundant
here. You could use 'gets'.
JMHO.
3. 15L-A comma or a hyphen is
somehow amiss.But somehow I
feel that lack of punctuation
is intentional. Also on the
18L.
4. 17L-An article is needed
before 'evening' which should
be 'The'. And an aphostrophe is
needed.
Also 'The' is needed before 'shore'
in the 18L. The 18th line I feel
could be tweaked to convey the feel,
i.e the first four words...May be
the addition of 'is'.
The CAPS in the beginning of the lines
somehow arrests the flow.
Now, the pros. Ah, this one is radiant
in its romance. Neat. A round of applause.
The imagery and the control over the flow
is mesmerising. Ocean and the ambience has
been captured beauteously in this setting
and it reflects and fits well.
With another edit, this would be a quite
a tour de force.
Great job the two of you.
My favourite poets.
Best wishes,
S'
The best of two worlds.
First a few things that
caught my eye:
1. 2L-I feel 'get'/'are' is
missing post 'devotion.'
2. 11L-'Is' is not redundant
here. You could use 'gets'.
JMHO.
3. 15L-A comma or a hyphen is
somehow amiss.But somehow I
feel that lack of punctuation
is intentional. Also on the
18L.
4. 17L-An article is needed
before 'evening' which should
be 'The'. And an aphostrophe is
needed.
Also 'The' is needed before 'shore'
in the 18L. The 18th line I feel
could be tweaked to convey the feel,
i.e the first four words...May be
the addition of 'is'.
The CAPS in the beginning of the lines
somehow arrests the flow.
Now, the pros. Ah, this one is radiant
in its romance. Neat. A round of applause.
The imagery and the control over the flow
is mesmerising. Ocean and the ambience has
been captured beauteously in this setting
and it reflects and fits well.
With another edit, this would be a quite
a tour de force.
Great job the two of you.
My favourite poets.
Best wishes,
S'
Anonymous
29th Dec 2011 6:40am
Mr. Wand6
We are so very grateful for 'real critique' on our piece of joint romance, it is so refreshing to receive open honest opinion, as apposed to the normal "nice text" comment.
Some feedback to you.
We do agree and believe it was mass oversight to capitalize each sentence, so you will have noticed that has been updated immediately.
In our search for a relaxed romance in this piece it was decided at the outset that we would under-punctuate slightly and allow the reader a quicker access to some of the imagery. A good example is your very first note, if we added a 'are' or 'get' to the line we would be turning our imagery into a literal observation. This it is not. Sandblasted skin would be awful in reality. The lack of the conjunction is there to allow the reader space to understand that sandblasted is definitely an over exaggerated image.
We have to thank you, because you have picked up every purposefully omitted grammatical and punctuation experience. Leaving us both somewhat dumbfounded.
All the brightest surfing experiences to you!
Al -x- & Harp xxx
We are so very grateful for 'real critique' on our piece of joint romance, it is so refreshing to receive open honest opinion, as apposed to the normal "nice text" comment.
Some feedback to you.
We do agree and believe it was mass oversight to capitalize each sentence, so you will have noticed that has been updated immediately.
In our search for a relaxed romance in this piece it was decided at the outset that we would under-punctuate slightly and allow the reader a quicker access to some of the imagery. A good example is your very first note, if we added a 'are' or 'get' to the line we would be turning our imagery into a literal observation. This it is not. Sandblasted skin would be awful in reality. The lack of the conjunction is there to allow the reader space to understand that sandblasted is definitely an over exaggerated image.
We have to thank you, because you have picked up every purposefully omitted grammatical and punctuation experience. Leaving us both somewhat dumbfounded.
All the brightest surfing experiences to you!
Al -x- & Harp xxx
Al
Now its sweet breeze without
capitalization.
Ah, dumbfounded was so out
of question.:)
I really loved this piece.
Hence sat down on it and
wanted to make sure if
it is in its greatest form.
That's all.
Looking forward to more collabs
Al.
Harper is a favourite and she knows
it, dearest H.
Light,
S'
Now its sweet breeze without
capitalization.
Ah, dumbfounded was so out
of question.:)
I really loved this piece.
Hence sat down on it and
wanted to make sure if
it is in its greatest form.
That's all.
Looking forward to more collabs
Al.
Harper is a favourite and she knows
it, dearest H.
Light,
S'
30th Dec 2011 1:26am
30th Dec 2011 4:13am
28th Dec 2011 5:46pm
I didn't find anything wrong at all , I thought it was really nice and serene good work harp and Alip
Anonymous
- Edited 30th Dec 2011 9:27pm
29th Dec 2011 6:41am
Thank you Paul, I guess its one of those that requires imagination hehehe!
Al-x-
Al-x-
29th Dec 2011 7:41am
30th Dec 2011 1:23am
ha ha ha I see hmmmm well I have a big imagination so I just dream naturally heheh
