deepundergroundpoetry.com
Winter Lethargy
The nights draw in early
Cold and damp
The moon hidden behind clouds
Nearly absent
The heat indoors becomes stifling
The chill outside
Raw and primitive
One sleeps without resting
Lost in shadowy dreams
Fighting off colds and flu
In the morning fog hovers over the pavement
Cheerless like factory smoke
The damp leaves tease early morning commuters
Waiting to trip them as they hurry to the bus stops
Deadlines and stresses loom
The promise, or the threat, of Christmas
Mounting pressures
Money
Debts
Winter lies ahead
Cold and damp
The moon hidden behind clouds
Nearly absent
The heat indoors becomes stifling
The chill outside
Raw and primitive
One sleeps without resting
Lost in shadowy dreams
Fighting off colds and flu
In the morning fog hovers over the pavement
Cheerless like factory smoke
The damp leaves tease early morning commuters
Waiting to trip them as they hurry to the bus stops
Deadlines and stresses loom
The promise, or the threat, of Christmas
Mounting pressures
Money
Debts
Winter lies ahead
Published 30th Oct 2019
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30th Oct 2019 8:25pm
Yipe, this contained a very ominous message indeed - commercialism looming. I only have a tad of offerings for this one, Lozzamus:
Winter Lethargy
[The] {N}ights draw in early <- suggests beginning with Nights to alleviate the double 'The'.
Cold and damp
The moon hidden behind clouds
Nearly absent <- LOVE the play of words here: damp/absent
[The] heat indoors becomes stifling <-- Suggests Indoor heat for the same reason above
The chill outside
Raw and primitive <-- love the assonance of 'i' throughout this tercet
One sleeps without resting
Lost in shadowy dreams
Fighting off colds and flu - great imagery here
[In the] {M}orning fog hovers over the pavement <- suggests beginning with Morning fog. . .
Cheerless [like] factory smoke <- suggests replacing with 'as' to enhance the consonance of 's'
[The] {D}amp leaves tease early morning commuters <-- The really isn't needed
Waiting to trip them as they hurry to the bus stops
Deadlines and stresses loom
The promise, or [the] threat, of Christmas <-- unneeded
Mounting pressures
Money
Debts
Winter lies ahead <- excellent ending
Really enjoyed the gloomy imagery and mood of this. Total truth.
Winter Lethargy
[The] {N}ights draw in early <- suggests beginning with Nights to alleviate the double 'The'.
Cold and damp
The moon hidden behind clouds
Nearly absent <- LOVE the play of words here: damp/absent
[The] heat indoors becomes stifling <-- Suggests Indoor heat for the same reason above
The chill outside
Raw and primitive <-- love the assonance of 'i' throughout this tercet
One sleeps without resting
Lost in shadowy dreams
Fighting off colds and flu - great imagery here
[In the] {M}orning fog hovers over the pavement <- suggests beginning with Morning fog. . .
Cheerless [like] factory smoke <- suggests replacing with 'as' to enhance the consonance of 's'
[The] {D}amp leaves tease early morning commuters <-- The really isn't needed
Waiting to trip them as they hurry to the bus stops
Deadlines and stresses loom
The promise, or [the] threat, of Christmas <-- unneeded
Mounting pressures
Money
Debts
Winter lies ahead <- excellent ending
Really enjoyed the gloomy imagery and mood of this. Total truth.
30th Oct 2019 9:54pm
Cheerless like factory smoke...damn, wish I'd written that line L...wish I'd written this entire poem man...the underlying melancholic tone of this masterful social commentary kicks gently at the dark night. Brilliant!!!
Cheers...Harry
Cheers...Harry
30th Oct 2019 10:32pm
Many thanks, Harry. Probably should add that I'm not as exhausted or as gloomy as implied in the poem but did go through real despondency last autumn.
30th Oct 2019 11:23pm
30th Oct 2019 11:32pm
The long, dreamless sleep of ice and endless gray horizons. Excellent Lozzamus.
hugs,
buddhakitty.
hugs,
buddhakitty.
31st Oct 2019 8:16pm
