deepundergroundpoetry.com
Heart Stealer
Your deceitful lips burn like acid
Against my own
‘til my melting flesh no longer clings
To the once secreted bone
I stand unshielded from the world
While you mock what I’ve become
And yet you’re still unfinished
You force me to succumb
You enter through my ribs to take
Hold my beating heart
As your baleful tongue laps up the blood
I feel my soul depart
Your eyes pass through my being
Now just a withered, empty shell
Then you toss me in a pile
And drag me down to hell
The shells of those before me
Lay disheveled on the ground
You refuse to let me leave
Yet you don’t fancy me around
Published 22nd Dec 2011
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Anonymous
22nd Dec 2011 5:48am
...that is an entirely decent write. You maintained a very pretty and tight line in the rhythm of the piece, apart from 2 sections, which you already don't like or aren't sure about;
"Now just a withered, empty shell"
This line is bumpy and you know it :-)
And you might try this;
"You refuse to let me leave
Yet you don’t fancy me around"
(The 1st 2 parts of the piece are so intimate that when you change the voice to 'us', a magic is lost).
Rock on, well writ.
DP
"Now just a withered, empty shell"
This line is bumpy and you know it :-)
And you might try this;
"You refuse to let me leave
Yet you don’t fancy me around"
(The 1st 2 parts of the piece are so intimate that when you change the voice to 'us', a magic is lost).
Rock on, well writ.
DP
22nd Dec 2011 5:49am
