Just Me

I don’t think you realize
What you’ve done
You had my love
My understanding
My support
I lifted you when you fell
The Big C
I swallowed my fear
And stood strong for you
I left you loving notes
Before every doctors’ appointments
And before every chemo treatment
I cooked for you
Made sure you stayed hydrated
Made sure you knew
Without a doubt
That I loved you

30 years of trying
Trying to be close to you
To feel like I had your love
20 years before I mustered up the courage
To sign “I love you” in an email
5 years to gain the strength
To say “I love you” in person
3 years to give you a hug
1 year to say “I love you”
EVERY NIGHT before you went to bed

All of that trying
Done.
No more I love yous
No more hugs
I will never email you again
In just 5 minutes
5 MINUTES
You broke my heart
I don’t know if I’m more sad
More disappointed
Or more angry
To look back and realize that
Only one of us was trying the whole time
And that was me
Just me.