I Am Poetry

I
am
poetry.

Every high, low
Every space between the letters of a word
My pain is how I met my positivity
My eyes bloodshot red most nights
Hearing Justin Timberlake saying cry me a river
It’s exactly what I did
Most my life
I was always a happy child
A soulful person
Hopeless romantic
Believe in having faith
Because when you sit on your bed at night
And cry
You’ll need that wishful hope
That hope of one day things will change

This is why

You won’t be told your so irresponsible
Your supposed to wash the dishes
Hang your clothes
Feed the dogs
Focus on school
Forget about what your friends are doing
If you want to stay behind then keep doing what your doing
Go play instead
It’s what you wanna do
I’m not the one who’s gonna be embarrassed when you don’t move forward with your class
No matter how much of that was true
Still
Pressure of that truth meant I would never amount to nothing
I wasn’t smart
Your slow come on you can do it just try
I’m slow?
I’m irresponsible?
I’m not that smart?
I’m gonna fail?
Shy to try
Scared to hear or be told in front of class I’m slow or stupid
I’ll audition this commercial, but I won’t sing they say to let the song play I’m not good enough
I’ll nod or shake my head instead
Speak up, no one will ever know how you feel if you don’t ever say anything
Your speaking so silently I can’t hear you speak up
Come on
Speak up

(Cries)

So scared to speak up
Every word in my head is being judged before I say it

I can’t..

Can’t what?

I don’t know...

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
What do you know?

That I’m a failure, I can’t do anything right.
That I’m irresponsible, I cant do anything right.
That I’m slow, I’ll never do anything right.
That I’m not smart cause I don’t know and I’ll never do anything right.

Oh come on now your being dramatic
Stop being a smart mouth
You know better than that

I do?

Do I?

As a kid you only know what you hear
What you see
What you do cause you’ll either get in trouble or told that’s good I’m proud of you
If even that
Sometimes you feel invisible constantly trying to tell people you feel alone
They brush you away
Your annoying
Go away
Go play

I’m a tree climber
Maybe if I get above everyone else
I can do things my way
Have my own level
Read
Write poems
Draw
Listen to music
Sing
Write lyrics
Pray wishfully for better things
Tell myself Up here I’m better
I’m smarter
I’m responsible
I’m a fast thinker
I’m gonna pass every class
Be successful so I can make everyone happy and I won’t have to cry anymore
They won’t have to cry anymore

Maybe if I climb down and smile
Maybe they will smile?

Maybe if I stop showing people I cry about my cousin passing away
My miscarriages
My lost love
 I won’t be told I’m weak

Maybe if I pick myself up I will be okay,
They will be okay?

What if I can give someone a caring hug like I needed one?

What if I can wipe someone’s tears away who had an abusive relationship?

What if I could help ease the weight off someone’s shoulders who was raped too?

What if I can step forward for someone else who’s getting bullied too?

What if I can hold someone’s hand who’s friends spread a rumor around everyone leaving their side talking about them too?

What if I tell someone they look great when they are standing in front of the mirror judging themselves like I am.

Every what if that I took action for has lifted my wings of positivity
Gave wholesome to my inner vulnerability of every insecurity
Opened my eyes to true faith
Everyone impacting the lows
My highs

How can you go through everything you been through and more still smiling everyday?

How do you stand right back up?

I had to learn by myself
Locked in my room with bloodshot eyes most nights
Hearing Justin Timberlake saying cry me a river
Which I did
Forcing myself
Battling my heart and mind
Sit
No stand
Cry in the pillow
No kneel and pray
Scream
No go talk to mom and dad in the living room
Stay quiet
No call your best friend Desiree Trevino
Run away
No write in your diary
Give up
No go walk in your sister room she needs you
I can never do anything right
No call grandma she’ll pray with you
I’ll Just stay in my room all day crying
No go on a ride with dad

Had to force myself to stand up through every struggle
People can always help you
Be that rock
Guide you
It’s up to you what you will take in or ignore
What you wanna hear
What you wanna do with the advice
Throw it at the ground mad thinking no one understands cause they don’t know
What do they know?
Or take it thinking about it
Work on it
Fixing the problem by simply lifting that block you put down to protect you but yet shield you from your blessing.
In my solitude
I became the exact person on the outside for everyone and myself because the inner me needed it.
I was the only one who could patch that hole.
Today I stand a voice of poetic reason to be.
I
Am
Poetry.