deepundergroundpoetry.com
i keep asking myself, why
is my skin not good enough?
nor my hair good enough?
as i wonder...
are we created to be hated and enslaved?
pains physically and emotionally drained?
our muscles and skins are strong
but our hearts tell a different story
we may be baboons and gorillas
but the breathing and bleeding are the same
yet still 'Nothing' is ever good we do
what is this?
life i suppose...
i blame no one but i understand not.
so i keep asking myself, why?
Author's Note
Only God Knows why
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re. i keep asking myself, why
2nd Oct 2019 11:28am
NICELY COMPOSED MY FRIEND...IT IS A QUESTION THAT HAS BEEN ASKED SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME BUT YET KNOWONE HAS ANSWERED IT YET THAT QUESTION...WHY
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Re: Re. i keep asking myself, why
2nd Oct 2019 12:24pm
Re: Re. i keep asking myself, why
2nd Oct 2019 6:52pm
Re. i keep asking myself, why
2nd Oct 2019 12:25pm
Re: Re. i keep asking myself, why
2nd Oct 2019 12:36pm
yep you got that right, NuBorn.
so to known i'm not promoting anything
but a question in me, to God.
so to known i'm not promoting anything
but a question in me, to God.
Re. i keep asking myself, why
2nd Oct 2019 2:12pm
There may never be a solid answer, my friend. Hatred is fueled by fear, and fear by ignorance and lack of understanding toward those who are different then what our own perceptions think they should be. For whatever reason, we fear that difference will infect us - as though we were not strong enough in our own convictions to stand firm in what we believe, and perhaps share with another in order to learn and understand.
In the spirit of honest critique in which you have requested, I would suggest the following:
Firstly, consistency. Everything is lower case, even the title, except the first word of the first line and Nothing. I would alter that to a lower case to match the rest of the verse. Unless, 'Nothing' is being stressed. Then I would leave that. Secondly, I suggest instead of slaved enslaved. And, you really don't need 'getting' in L2 of the second stanza, so I suggest removing it. I would also remove 'so as' in L3. In stanza three, maybe is two words, and because you are using 'but' in L2, I would replace the one in L3 with 'yet'. The rest is good as it is, to me, that is.
I've really done nothing except suggest the removal of extraneous words that I feel are unnecessary to make the point and a few minor edits. That's it. The verse is solid in message and form. Well done.
If my suggestions are taken, it would read as such:
i keep asking myself, why
is my skin not good enough?
nor my hair good enough?
as i wonder...
are we created to be hated and enslaved?
pains physically and emotionally drained?
our muscles and skins are strong
but our hearts tell a different story
we may be baboons and gorillas
but the breathing and bleeding are the same
yet still Nothing is ever good we do
what is this?
life i suppose...
i blame no one but i understand not.
so i keep asking myself, why?
In the spirit of honest critique in which you have requested, I would suggest the following:
Firstly, consistency. Everything is lower case, even the title, except the first word of the first line and Nothing. I would alter that to a lower case to match the rest of the verse. Unless, 'Nothing' is being stressed. Then I would leave that. Secondly, I suggest instead of slaved enslaved. And, you really don't need 'getting' in L2 of the second stanza, so I suggest removing it. I would also remove 'so as' in L3. In stanza three, maybe is two words, and because you are using 'but' in L2, I would replace the one in L3 with 'yet'. The rest is good as it is, to me, that is.
I've really done nothing except suggest the removal of extraneous words that I feel are unnecessary to make the point and a few minor edits. That's it. The verse is solid in message and form. Well done.
If my suggestions are taken, it would read as such:
i keep asking myself, why
is my skin not good enough?
nor my hair good enough?
as i wonder...
are we created to be hated and enslaved?
pains physically and emotionally drained?
our muscles and skins are strong
but our hearts tell a different story
we may be baboons and gorillas
but the breathing and bleeding are the same
yet still Nothing is ever good we do
what is this?
life i suppose...
i blame no one but i understand not.
so i keep asking myself, why?
1
Re: Re. i keep asking myself, why
Re: Re. i keep asking myself, why
3rd Oct 2019 11:25am
Re. i keep asking myself, why
11th Mar 2020 7:27am
I as well , love your work ;
And , by seeing your name , I learned a new sacred word tonite...
Thank you !
Due to who and what I am , that is most important to me...
Please , accept my appreciation for you being here ;
I saw your logo show up on the left hand screen of my computer...
I had to know who you were , and what you laid down
for all to see , and , your words hold power...well done !
( just a question : Have you heard of this soul ? )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SelH7sMbsg
And , by seeing your name , I learned a new sacred word tonite...
Thank you !
Due to who and what I am , that is most important to me...
Please , accept my appreciation for you being here ;
I saw your logo show up on the left hand screen of my computer...
I had to know who you were , and what you laid down
for all to see , and , your words hold power...well done !
( just a question : Have you heard of this soul ? )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SelH7sMbsg
1
Re. i keep asking myself, why
10th Apr 2020 4:12am
I would suggest that you look closer to home as you search for the answers.
Maybe you have already read the books of Steve Biko, Albert Luthuli and other earlier writers during days of the struggle
This is an area I have personally neglected which is getting hold of as many books as I can that were banned in our land
When I here stories about our freedom fighters
Amaqabane omzabalazo
Many of those keen on educating themselves always spent their time even during their incarceration reading immensely
Maybe you have already read the books of Steve Biko, Albert Luthuli and other earlier writers during days of the struggle
This is an area I have personally neglected which is getting hold of as many books as I can that were banned in our land
When I here stories about our freedom fighters
Amaqabane omzabalazo
Many of those keen on educating themselves always spent their time even during their incarceration reading immensely
0