deepundergroundpoetry.com
next time u crush my spirits and break my fragile heart.
I'm falling into the abyss.
Its black and decrepit.
And I know that when i reach the bottom, I'll be added to Death's list.
Yet they want me alive, because they want me to suffer.
Soon I'll be down there in that hole.
Isolated, with no cover
From the cold, driving rain..
Like tears from my lost mother.
It won't be too much longer now..
When I take my bow..
because this is all just a performance...
a ruse, a game, a story
But, sadly, it lacks a moral.
An attribute it shares with the antagonist, me.
I believe that there's a God (don't comment if you disagree),
But I'll never be close to him, if I can't love you, my enemy.
And you may lie to me, and cheat, and steal
But if any one of you is willing to amend, I'll gladly accept your apology.
For this simple reason: your love will set us free
Of the shackles of misunderstanding and hate,
A vice that has ruined my life to this date.
So if you'll take my hand and accept my word, let love prevail in this hurtful world.
Its black and decrepit.
And I know that when i reach the bottom, I'll be added to Death's list.
Yet they want me alive, because they want me to suffer.
Soon I'll be down there in that hole.
Isolated, with no cover
From the cold, driving rain..
Like tears from my lost mother.
It won't be too much longer now..
When I take my bow..
because this is all just a performance...
a ruse, a game, a story
But, sadly, it lacks a moral.
An attribute it shares with the antagonist, me.
I believe that there's a God (don't comment if you disagree),
But I'll never be close to him, if I can't love you, my enemy.
And you may lie to me, and cheat, and steal
But if any one of you is willing to amend, I'll gladly accept your apology.
For this simple reason: your love will set us free
Of the shackles of misunderstanding and hate,
A vice that has ruined my life to this date.
So if you'll take my hand and accept my word, let love prevail in this hurtful world.
Published 19th Dec 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
5th Jan 2012 6:12pm
5th Jan 2012 11:35pm
13th Jan 2012 00:23am
20th Jan 2012 2:40am
22nd Mar 2012 5:36am
There's a bit of ambiguity because you change from speaking to one person to many, "my enemy."
"But if any one of you..." I think you could benefit from separating the distinct ideas into separate stanzas. Lines 1-14 are akin to a lyrical monologue, and 15-end are addressing the person or people (I'm not sure who really) in the subject.
Also, line 4, "they" is used to refer to things you've already mentioned. But the only thing you've mentioned up to that point is Death as a singular. I get that you're referring to the subject, but "they" doesn't fit there.
And do away with the parenthetical comment. No one should be ignorant enough to bring up religious issues about a poem like this. If they do laugh at them and ignore their idiocy.
"But if any one of you..." I think you could benefit from separating the distinct ideas into separate stanzas. Lines 1-14 are akin to a lyrical monologue, and 15-end are addressing the person or people (I'm not sure who really) in the subject.
Also, line 4, "they" is used to refer to things you've already mentioned. But the only thing you've mentioned up to that point is Death as a singular. I get that you're referring to the subject, but "they" doesn't fit there.
And do away with the parenthetical comment. No one should be ignorant enough to bring up religious issues about a poem like this. If they do laugh at them and ignore their idiocy.
11th Jul 2012 3:23am
