Slipknot’s Vermillion

You’re so pretty it makes me sad.

Because every time I see pictures of you, I daydream about everything I want to say.

Like,
“God your gorgeous”.

On your birthday I was trying to work up the courage to send you “Happy Birthday Beautiful”.

With men, being bold comes easy.  But you, are a paralyzing woman.

I guess I’ve always been...
afraid to push things too far.
afraid to tread to places unfamiliar.

I’m afraid I’ll enjoy it too much...
Afraid you wont.

Though, I’ve lived like a coward in this way.
The truth is...

Kissing you was one of the highlights of my life....

Did I just admit that?

And seeing you in person from time to time are always days that I’ll never forget.

I’m so afraid of you finding out that I feel this way. So lame for the way you are.

If only I could tell you the truth, which is, that you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

You are though.

I don’t look at you too long in the eyes because I’m afraid I’ll get lost. And you’ll catch me wandering.

So instead...
I play it safe with intellect. Always my go to.

Intellect is always a safe space to be intimate without consequences. It’s a way to go inside one another without getting sticky.

Although, the term mind-fuck is what it is for a reason....

I wish I would have had the courage to touch you more, back when we were feeling eachother out. 10 Years ago. Damn...

Happy 30th birthday Beautiful.

I’ll never forget how it happened. You called me out. Immediately. Shortly after we first met.

I was all nervous and trying to stay cool and aloof with intellectual conversation  and you asked me if I wanted to kiss you.

It was like a soft firm wall suddenly smacked me right in the ego. And you waited for my answer with such a curious confidence that I still get goosebumps just thinking about it...

I truly don’t remember what the hell I said to you. But actions speak louder anyway.

I responded.

You were soft and dynamic. Smoothly assertive. Delicately demanding.

We traded bras that day. I think we were trying to be cute. Wearing you was a soft sentiment, and an excuse to see you again to trade each other back.

 I retreated eventually.

I remember once you telling me to stay... while I played with your hair. I didn’t know what to say. I left the room. You were vulnerable. And I was a coward.

I remember you saying “ Come right back, okay?” As you lied there with your boyfriend.

Eventually, I went to go find one for myself. Another one to anchor myself in for the next few years. Cause thats what I always do. Island hop men like foster homes. For years at a time.

It was easier to be in yet another relationship with a man. It was easier. Easier.

I hate that.

I hate that I’ve never told you how fucking stunning you are.

How brilliantly magnetic you are.
How gorgeously you live....
How bravely beautiful your soul is.

That your locomotion is what makes you so lovely to watch.

I wish I could travel with you. Follow you everywhere you create for yourself. Making memories of experiencing each moment brazenly, with you.

But I’m in a long haul relationship with a man I love very much.

So I type on my bed. At three am. All because you posted new photos of yourself in a new black dress. And all I want to do is let you know how much Ive never stopped thinking about you. All these years.

And how thankful I am that somehow, I know I’ll see you again.

See you around pretty girl.