deepundergroundpoetry.com
Through the Eyes of a Friend
Look at me through the eyes of a friend, she said,
A stream of thoughts embraced me in a sad rhapsody,
But I, drunk on whiskey and rye cried a rivulet instead,
Running through my mind like an unforgettable melody.
I took her old rosary, the one she kept in an old box,
Before anyone else would ransack her possessions,
I prayed a prayer of redemption but before I could talk,
She said, never look back or hold on to obsessions.
But I placed the beads and hymn book in my rucksack,
My young rebel soul would never see her eyes again,
And as the years passed in a ripen memory I think back,
How she sat in that rattan chair and the letters she penned,
I remember my mentor but I still dearly miss my friend.
A stream of thoughts embraced me in a sad rhapsody,
But I, drunk on whiskey and rye cried a rivulet instead,
Running through my mind like an unforgettable melody.
I took her old rosary, the one she kept in an old box,
Before anyone else would ransack her possessions,
I prayed a prayer of redemption but before I could talk,
She said, never look back or hold on to obsessions.
But I placed the beads and hymn book in my rucksack,
My young rebel soul would never see her eyes again,
And as the years passed in a ripen memory I think back,
How she sat in that rattan chair and the letters she penned,
I remember my mentor but I still dearly miss my friend.
Published 8th Sep 2019
Author's Note
For my friend and mentor.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 4
reads 639
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Sep 2019 1:55am
Wally, this is such a lovely tribute that everyone can relate to. There is not one person who has not lost someone they've loved at some point - and are missing them still.
In the spirit of honest critique ( because you have asked and I feel this poem truly means something to you; however, more importantly to the person it tributes ), I would suggest the following minor edits:
Firstly, this line is excellent. The assonance of the u and i is divine; coupled with the consonance of n and k/c is utterly fantastic to read aloud.
But I, drunk on whiskey and rye cried a rivulet instead,
Running through my mind like an unforgettable melody.
I took her [aged] rosary, the one she kept in an old box, ( so you don't use 'old' twice in one line )
Before anyone else (c)ould ransack her possessions,
I prayed a prayer of redemption( , comma ) but before I could talk,
She said, never look back(, [n]or hold (onto [ one word]) obsessions.
But(, comma ) I (stuffed) the beads and hymn book in my rucksack,
My young rebel soul would never see her eyes again,
And as the years passed in a ripen memory I think back,
How she sat in that rattan chair(,comma) and the letters she penned,
I remember my mentor but dearly miss my friend. ( Removed I still - as dearly miss implies still )
Basically it would read as such:
But I, drunk on whiskey and rye cried a rivulet instead,
Running through my mind like an unforgettable melody.
I took her aged rosary, the one she kept in an old box,
Before anyone else could ransack her possessions,
I prayed a prayer of redemption, but before I could talk,
She said, never look back, nor hold onto obsessions.
But, I packed the beads and hymn book in my rucksack,
My young rebel soul would never see her eyes again,
And as the years passed in a ripen memory, I think back,
How she sat in that rattan chair, and the letters she penned,
I remember my mentor but dearly miss my friend.
Thank you for sharing.
In the spirit of honest critique ( because you have asked and I feel this poem truly means something to you; however, more importantly to the person it tributes ), I would suggest the following minor edits:
Firstly, this line is excellent. The assonance of the u and i is divine; coupled with the consonance of n and k/c is utterly fantastic to read aloud.
But I, drunk on whiskey and rye cried a rivulet instead,
Running through my mind like an unforgettable melody.
I took her [aged] rosary, the one she kept in an old box, ( so you don't use 'old' twice in one line )
Before anyone else (c)ould ransack her possessions,
I prayed a prayer of redemption( , comma ) but before I could talk,
She said, never look back(, [n]or hold (onto [ one word]) obsessions.
But(, comma ) I (stuffed) the beads and hymn book in my rucksack,
My young rebel soul would never see her eyes again,
And as the years passed in a ripen memory I think back,
How she sat in that rattan chair(,comma) and the letters she penned,
I remember my mentor but dearly miss my friend. ( Removed I still - as dearly miss implies still )
Basically it would read as such:
But I, drunk on whiskey and rye cried a rivulet instead,
Running through my mind like an unforgettable melody.
I took her aged rosary, the one she kept in an old box,
Before anyone else could ransack her possessions,
I prayed a prayer of redemption, but before I could talk,
She said, never look back, nor hold onto obsessions.
But, I packed the beads and hymn book in my rucksack,
My young rebel soul would never see her eyes again,
And as the years passed in a ripen memory, I think back,
How she sat in that rattan chair, and the letters she penned,
I remember my mentor but dearly miss my friend.
Thank you for sharing.
8th Sep 2019 8:06pm
I know I sometimes tend to either overuse or underuse punctuation, but thanks for pointing it out. I'll come back to it a little later today to buff it up.
Thanks for the RL as well.
Sally was a family friend and mentor who always gave me great advise. It's been 27 years since and I still value her friendship.
Thanks for the RL as well.
Sally was a family friend and mentor who always gave me great advise. It's been 27 years since and I still value her friendship.
Wow speechless well almost! amazing just saw how i wrote this earlier didnt sound like i meant it to
8th Sep 2019 8:11pm
Although I did change a little bit from the original story (as far as faith and setting), the challenge in the comp was to use the words provided. She wasn't in her living room chair anymore, she was in a hospital bed in her living room. The last conversation we had, she was just as fiery as the day I met her, and I took her advice to heart.
