A struggle/ dedicated to the discipline

(deep blue day by Brian Eno playing)

somewhat of a struggle everyday
 as I juggle these thoughts/feelings..
joylessly hopeless at times
 I won't lie
I suppose that's why
 I continue
 to get high which really does lift me up past the pointless ponderings,
past the paranoia
 which pops up
 even before blasting my brain
 with that potent piece of green.
I know I mustn't hide in this hole though
still not knowing where to go
not knowing what to do.
who ever does?
maybe some..
maybe none..
So what's to be done?

-

I just wanna play
everyday
to keep the madness away
and not let it cause complete disarray
but I'm distracted,
 need to dig myself up
 out of this dark dimension
 degrading slowly but surely
slipping away each day..
I must remain dedicated
to this discipline
 till the end.
To the universe I send my gratitude
for always showing love,
 providing a feeling of protection,
I feel my life
has been saved many times
through "divine intervention"
an extension of the gods glory,
greatness given to us
a miracle so marvelous.