deepundergroundpoetry.com
Us
Standing
and
yelling in my
FACE
won't solve
anything.
Screaming and getting
in my face
won't make us
any closer.
Sometimes I think
ME
and you look like a
pair of pit bulls in
the ring.
Sometime,
I'll feel your fist
OR
the back or your
hand meet my face,
spilling blood,
mixing with my salty tears.
I will want to
GIVE
up and
disappear...
One day,
when I'm on
the floor,
I'll look
UP
to you and ask:
why do you do
this to your
own and oldest
daughter
dad?
I still haven't gotten an answer and probably never will...
and
yelling in my
FACE
won't solve
anything.
Screaming and getting
in my face
won't make us
any closer.
Sometimes I think
ME
and you look like a
pair of pit bulls in
the ring.
Sometime,
I'll feel your fist
OR
the back or your
hand meet my face,
spilling blood,
mixing with my salty tears.
I will want to
GIVE
up and
disappear...
One day,
when I'm on
the floor,
I'll look
UP
to you and ask:
why do you do
this to your
own and oldest
daughter
dad?
I still haven't gotten an answer and probably never will...
Published 4th Dec 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
5th Dec 2011 10:07am
This is chilling stuff, and I must admit that it took a few reads to understand the Capitalised words. Which spell a very poignant message.
In terms of critique,
"Standing
and
yelling in my
FACE
won't solve
anything.
Screaming and getting
in my face"
I'm not sure about the double use of the word "face" here. I think it takes away from the first one. I think you'll get more impact from doing this...
"Screaming
never makes us
any closer. "
I also don't know about the last line, I think you punch the reality of this into the reader's face at "dad?"
I do like the unique angle of your write... I do like how you don't try jam the "feel sorry for me" cliché' down our throat. And I do like the "Us" title. It eludes to this possible relationship that is being ended by the dad.
So well bloody done, Girl. Thank You for the read…
p.s. My comments are only my opinion, and offer no warranty.
In terms of critique,
"Standing
and
yelling in my
FACE
won't solve
anything.
Screaming and getting
in my face"
I'm not sure about the double use of the word "face" here. I think it takes away from the first one. I think you'll get more impact from doing this...
"Screaming
never makes us
any closer. "
I also don't know about the last line, I think you punch the reality of this into the reader's face at "dad?"
I do like the unique angle of your write... I do like how you don't try jam the "feel sorry for me" cliché' down our throat. And I do like the "Us" title. It eludes to this possible relationship that is being ended by the dad.
So well bloody done, Girl. Thank You for the read…
p.s. My comments are only my opinion, and offer no warranty.
5th Dec 2011 10:28am
