Dear Earth

Dear Earth,
 
Hi there, how are you? I thought I'd drop you a line, because some of the family are a bit worried about you. They're saying that you're not too happy about the way things are going at the moment, that we might be abusing your trust? I really hope that you don't think that this is the case, because we've put in so much hard work to get where we are!
 
I've got a few bullet points for you -
 
* We own the place! (we've got the paperwork, OT & NT etc) I'm sure you remember agreeing to this? If not, consult your legal team.
* It's up to you to prove that the above is BS and that you take precedent.
* We were told to go forth and multiply and multiply and multiply, so we did.
* Our maintenance of the place has been impeccable. We've cut back the forests, so it's all neat and tidy and easier to control. As we speak we're burning off ALL of the filthy fossil fuels, so everywhere should be a lot cleaner after we've finished doing that. Also you'll be glad to hear that we're trying everything in our power to get this place warmed up a bit.
* We're keeping all the needy wildlife well under control, habitat adjustment, poaching and hunting - even culling where necessary (there are no current plans to cull ourselves, but read on).
* We have a master plan, that'll keep both you and us happy. Details to follow some time soon.
* We have to borrow (and take) today, for our tomorrow. That's business I'm afraid; very afraid.
 
Let's cut to the chase here, quite frankly you have a reputation for "extinction" events! You need to understand that that's not going to happen with us; got it? We're not abusing you, we're on your side, honestly (our whole ethos is built on honesty and trust and most importantly living in harmony). We know what's best for you, so relax and don't worry about a thing - everything's under control (our control - don't forget that!).
 
So I hope all that has put your molten core at ease, I'm sure it has. Finally could you cut back on the forest fires, droughts, floods, cyclones and hurricanes etc. There's no need for it really, is there now? Oh, one last thing, if you think we're getting like all consuming locusts and are leaving behind a bit of a mess, you'll be happy to hear that we've got some very powerful nuclear cleaning devices. If needed they'll be deployed to get the place nicely cleaned up and sterile.
 
Kindest regards
 
Xaphan (pp Humanity)