deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dead
We all file in line,
dressed in the colors of a crows feathers,
making us look like the Grim Reaper's slaves.
We all know you aren't coming back,
but I won't accept it.
I can't.
I know if I see your cold and dead body laying there,
I'll start crying out to you,
begging you to come back to us,
me.
I know I'll scream,
I'll scream at you
for not saying goodbye.
I'll curse at you.
I'll scream at you.
I'll cry because of you.
Now,
I still cry because of our memories.
I still scream because you are gone.
I still curse at the heavens for taking you away from me.
And I still ask:
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
dressed in the colors of a crows feathers,
making us look like the Grim Reaper's slaves.
We all know you aren't coming back,
but I won't accept it.
I can't.
I know if I see your cold and dead body laying there,
I'll start crying out to you,
begging you to come back to us,
me.
I know I'll scream,
I'll scream at you
for not saying goodbye.
I'll curse at you.
I'll scream at you.
I'll cry because of you.
Now,
I still cry because of our memories.
I still scream because you are gone.
I still curse at the heavens for taking you away from me.
And I still ask:
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
Published 25th Nov 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 428
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
25th Nov 2011 7:55pm
25th Nov 2011 8:27pm
yeah it is
but I haven't really been through this only in some f***ing nightmare
but I haven't really been through this only in some f***ing nightmare
Anonymous
- Edited 25th Nov 2011 8:51pm
25th Nov 2011 8:50pm
Nice man...You really are coming on so nicely.
Your opening line here...
"We all file in line."
What do you mean when you say "file"? It may be a language thing I dont understand.
Then this line, I love the imagery..
"making us look like the Grim Reaper's slaves."
but it takes forever to get there.
Would it work as...
"representing slaves to the Grim Reaper"
or
"mirroring the Grim Reaper's slaves"
or even just...
"looking like the Grim Reapers slaves."
?
Then this one also a strong image that gets lost..
"I know if I see your cold and dead body laying there,"
Would this work?
If your dead body lay there cold.
or
If your cold dead body lies there.
But its 100% your best write.
Love it.
Hope you don't mind my comments, just trying to help.
Your opening line here...
"We all file in line."
What do you mean when you say "file"? It may be a language thing I dont understand.
Then this line, I love the imagery..
"making us look like the Grim Reaper's slaves."
but it takes forever to get there.
Would it work as...
"representing slaves to the Grim Reaper"
or
"mirroring the Grim Reaper's slaves"
or even just...
"looking like the Grim Reapers slaves."
?
Then this one also a strong image that gets lost..
"I know if I see your cold and dead body laying there,"
Would this work?
If your dead body lay there cold.
or
If your cold dead body lies there.
But its 100% your best write.
Love it.
Hope you don't mind my comments, just trying to help.
25th Nov 2011 9:04pm
sorry if I confused you AliP but I enjoy getting these comments.
They are helping me with my writing.
They are helping me with my writing.
25th Nov 2011 9:05pm
27th Nov 2011 1:10am
I see that Mr. A Lip
has been helpful.:)
Angel, the context in
which you have used 'file',
usually it caters to marching/
walking in a line.(as an intr.
verb.)
I liked the overall imagery.
Packs a punch.
Write on.
S'
has been helpful.:)
Angel, the context in
which you have used 'file',
usually it caters to marching/
walking in a line.(as an intr.
verb.)
I liked the overall imagery.
Packs a punch.
Write on.
S'
27th Nov 2011 2:16pm
25th Dec 2011 10:51pm
