deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lions
Once
you told me about the lions,
Whether it was fable or truth.
No one there
could bid them haughty defiance
For they brought not charges but ruth.
Pair of them
descended down from the mound,
with diadems they were crowned
and seemed like heavenly beasts.
Broken stem
had bloomed afresh and the sound,
pierced all the foliage around,
had all the whispers released.
But
one
who comes in wake of the morrow
has the horns entwined by snakes.
Every note
you so lightheartedly borrow
should be heard, whatever it takes.
you told me about the lions,
Whether it was fable or truth.
No one there
could bid them haughty defiance
For they brought not charges but ruth.
Pair of them
descended down from the mound,
with diadems they were crowned
and seemed like heavenly beasts.
Broken stem
had bloomed afresh and the sound,
pierced all the foliage around,
had all the whispers released.
But
one
who comes in wake of the morrow
has the horns entwined by snakes.
Every note
you so lightheartedly borrow
should be heard, whatever it takes.
Published 21st Jan 2019
Author's Note
English is not my native language and and that's exactly why I ask to criticize this modest sampler of lyrics without any indulgence. Thanks in advance!
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 7th May 2019 00:46am
22nd Jan 2019 5:07am
<< post removed >>
22nd Jan 2019 6:23am
Thanks for your feedback! In addition, this is my first experience of such a publication at all, so I'm in some kind of panic :)
22nd Jan 2019 5:45am
I enjoyed your poem, the alliteration and the imagery.
Thanks for sharing, and welcome to DU, Romar!
I will respect your requests and give a more thorough critique soon!
Thanks for sharing, and welcome to DU, Romar!
I will respect your requests and give a more thorough critique soon!
22nd Jan 2019 6:01am
Since you are looking for honest critique on your English, it might look and sound better like this (my opinion, of course).
Once, you told me about the lions,
Whether it was fable or truth.
No one there could bid them haughty defiance
For they brought not charges, but ruth.
A pair of them
Descended
Down
from the mound,
with diadems they were crowned;
they seemed like heavenly beasts.
A broken stem
Had bloomed afresh
And the sound that pierced all the foliage around,
had all the whispers released.
But the one who comes in wake of the morrow
Has horns entwined by snakes.
Every note you so lightheartedly borrow
Should be heard, whatever it takes.
Once, you told me about the lions,
Whether it was fable or truth.
No one there could bid them haughty defiance
For they brought not charges, but ruth.
A pair of them
Descended
Down
from the mound,
with diadems they were crowned;
they seemed like heavenly beasts.
A broken stem
Had bloomed afresh
And the sound that pierced all the foliage around,
had all the whispers released.
But the one who comes in wake of the morrow
Has horns entwined by snakes.
Every note you so lightheartedly borrow
Should be heard, whatever it takes.
22nd Jan 2019 6:45am
Thank you for your greeting, and especially for the advice! I thought myself that it was necessary to preface this transgressive with "foliage piercing" by "that", but I doubted if the meter would be respected. The fact is that I am at figuring up chords for this now :)
