deepundergroundpoetry.com
Liquid Stars
Skin oils blending beautifully
like lava lamps mixing womb waters
Women wade
worship waves
waist down
while legs point
to Heavens. Hell,
them heels heighten hormones
I dive into the night beneath the navel
Nautic
if stars could splash
they’d sip like sweet dreams
and illuminate her favorite two fingers
before sunrise
IG: Nourish_Cruz
like lava lamps mixing womb waters
Women wade
worship waves
waist down
while legs point
to Heavens. Hell,
them heels heighten hormones
I dive into the night beneath the navel
Nautic
if stars could splash
they’d sip like sweet dreams
and illuminate her favorite two fingers
before sunrise
IG: Nourish_Cruz
Published 18th Jan 2019
| Edited 19th Jan 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Jan 2019 2:27am
19th Jan 2019 6:50pm
I like the restrained alliteration in this, and I enjoyed the theme also.
A couple of minor point:
1) the first line ends with "like", which then gives extra emphasis to that (rather weak) word Unless you are intentionally emphasising that word, then it might be better shifted to the beginning of the next line.
2) the number "2" stands out, and might be better written as "two". In fact, is "two" even needed - does it add anything? It might be sufficient to say "favourite fingers". Just a thought.
3) The following minor reformat of the second stanza might have better flow and visual appeal:
Women wade
worship waves
waist down
while legs point <---- gives emphasis to "point" as the reader pauses here
to Heavens. Hell <---- kinda exciting to follow Heaven with Hell
them heels - heightening <--- notice the "-" after "heels", with the emphasis on heightening.
hormones
Overall I totally enjoyed the theme and imagery in this. The final stanza particularly so. Hope that you find my suggestions useful to a greater or lesser extent.
A couple of minor point:
1) the first line ends with "like", which then gives extra emphasis to that (rather weak) word Unless you are intentionally emphasising that word, then it might be better shifted to the beginning of the next line.
2) the number "2" stands out, and might be better written as "two". In fact, is "two" even needed - does it add anything? It might be sufficient to say "favourite fingers". Just a thought.
3) The following minor reformat of the second stanza might have better flow and visual appeal:
Women wade
worship waves
waist down
while legs point <---- gives emphasis to "point" as the reader pauses here
to Heavens. Hell <---- kinda exciting to follow Heaven with Hell
them heels - heightening <--- notice the "-" after "heels", with the emphasis on heightening.
hormones
Overall I totally enjoyed the theme and imagery in this. The final stanza particularly so. Hope that you find my suggestions useful to a greater or lesser extent.
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Jun 2019 5:47pm
10th Mar 2019 3:24pm
<< post removed >>
10th Mar 2019 10:28pm
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Jun 2019 5:47pm
10th Mar 2019 10:35pm
<< post removed >>
30th Mar 2019 4:25pm
