deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Own Private Demon
Have you ever had a love
that slowly started to
dissipate
as soon as you sparked it?
It's like terror in a love story.
It's like your opening your insides
waiting for them to be
gutted out of you.
But instead of opening up, you find
yourself giving only
small entries...
keeping them on their toes,
blinding them, hoping that they'll
stop prying
and let you
spill
at your own pace.
Sometimes I feel like this life is a race
to see who will fall on their face
just one too many times.
that slowly started to
dissipate
as soon as you sparked it?
It's like terror in a love story.
It's like your opening your insides
waiting for them to be
gutted out of you.
But instead of opening up, you find
yourself giving only
small entries...
keeping them on their toes,
blinding them, hoping that they'll
stop prying
and let you
spill
at your own pace.
Sometimes I feel like this life is a race
to see who will fall on their face
just one too many times.
Published 4th Jan 2019
Author's Note
A story about a girl with a troubled heart, finding a man filled with love, pain, and deceitful ways.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 10
reads 451
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
4th Jan 2019 9:31pm
Hey Ang,
Great job. I'm not the foremost authority on critiquing poems, but I thought that was really great.
Welcome to the site, and we look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Well done!
Matthew.
Great job. I'm not the foremost authority on critiquing poems, but I thought that was really great.
Welcome to the site, and we look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Well done!
Matthew.
4th Jan 2019 10:01pm
4th Jan 2019 10:05pm
4th Jan 2019 10:12pm
I liked how You described Your spill's msg
However, You did asked for Honest critique and some of the connected lines felt forced (rushed?)
Additionally, for these lines:
It's like terror in a love story.
It's like your opening your insides
waiting for them to be
gutted out of you. <<<<---------I'd remove <like> because it is, right? You want us to believe it is and when You say it's like, You leave what You want to convey -- up to the reader. So maybe:
It's terror in a love story;
it's opening your insides -
waiting for them to be
gutted out of you.
Maybe post this in the Group Poetry Medics is You desire more seasoned advice.
again, welcome to the Deep (end of the pool)
However, You did asked for Honest critique and some of the connected lines felt forced (rushed?)
Additionally, for these lines:
It's like terror in a love story.
It's like your opening your insides
waiting for them to be
gutted out of you. <<<<---------I'd remove <like> because it is, right? You want us to believe it is and when You say it's like, You leave what You want to convey -- up to the reader. So maybe:
It's terror in a love story;
it's opening your insides -
waiting for them to be
gutted out of you.
Maybe post this in the Group Poetry Medics is You desire more seasoned advice.
again, welcome to the Deep (end of the pool)
5th Jan 2019 1:48pm
5th Jan 2019 10:26am
6th Jan 2019 6:21pm
6th Jan 2019 4:18am
6th Jan 2019 6:22pm
