deepundergroundpoetry.com
Don't Fan The Flames
penny for your thoughts they say...
my thoughts are too deep to sell so cheap...
tinged with regrets...
paid too high a price...
truth isn’t nice...
let sleeping dragons alone...
lest their fire burn all to the bone...
by LMB
Published 29th Dec 2018
Author's Note
Dedicated to a poetess on DU**
Not my original writing**
Posted with permission by LMB**
Honest critique requested by author**
Not my original writing**
Posted with permission by LMB**
Honest critique requested by author**
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 4
reads 630
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Ohhhh nice. It reminds me of General Isoroku Yamamoto's quote:
I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.
Of course there is no written fact he said it, but the movie Pearl Harbor was good enough for me!
Hopefully this "Poetess" will leave the past be.
As for honest critique, see below:
penny for your thoughts they say...
^ italicize the cliché and comma afterward. also lose the elipses.
my thoughts are too deep to sell so cheap...
^ I'd lose the elipses and colon after cheap to set up a list.
tinged with regrets...
paid too high a price...
^ Again, I'd lose the ellipses after regrets and revise regrets to read in the singular form of regret, then semicolon after so the next line is connected. I'd also lose the ellipses after price and semi colon to connect it to next line.
truth isn’t nice...
let sleeping dragons alone...
lest their fire burn all to the bone...
I would keep the ellipses after nice then space so its power is enhanced with emphasis. That final couplet is grand; however, I would lose the ellipses after alone and maybe use a dash, then endstop after bone to reflect the finality of its truth.
It would basically read as such:
Don't Fan The Flames
"penny for your thoughts", they say
my thoughts are too deep to sell so cheap:
tinged with regret;
paid too high a price;
truth isn’t nice. . .
let sleeping dragons alone -
lest their fire burn all to the bone.
Thanks for the share. Perhaps L will join us soon. 📝❤
I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.
Of course there is no written fact he said it, but the movie Pearl Harbor was good enough for me!
Hopefully this "Poetess" will leave the past be.
As for honest critique, see below:
penny for your thoughts they say...
^ italicize the cliché and comma afterward. also lose the elipses.
my thoughts are too deep to sell so cheap...
^ I'd lose the elipses and colon after cheap to set up a list.
tinged with regrets...
paid too high a price...
^ Again, I'd lose the ellipses after regrets and revise regrets to read in the singular form of regret, then semicolon after so the next line is connected. I'd also lose the ellipses after price and semi colon to connect it to next line.
truth isn’t nice...
let sleeping dragons alone...
lest their fire burn all to the bone...
I would keep the ellipses after nice then space so its power is enhanced with emphasis. That final couplet is grand; however, I would lose the ellipses after alone and maybe use a dash, then endstop after bone to reflect the finality of its truth.
It would basically read as such:
Don't Fan The Flames
"penny for your thoughts", they say
my thoughts are too deep to sell so cheap:
tinged with regret;
paid too high a price;
truth isn’t nice. . .
let sleeping dragons alone -
lest their fire burn all to the bone.
Thanks for the share. Perhaps L will join us soon. 📝❤
30th Dec 2018 3:47pm
I expected such a detailed critique from you! 😊 Thank you for weighing in, I’ll be sending LMB the link for this review and so they can take it into consideration. You definitely got the grammar on point!
I personally feel that as the poem is currently written, the ellipses ending each line portray the thoughtful pauses that the writer may have been trying to convey. Such as the accompanying photo of the woman staring out the window, lost in thought, invokes a feeling of wistfulness.
Perhaps LMB will decide to join us soon! We shall see...
I personally feel that as the poem is currently written, the ellipses ending each line portray the thoughtful pauses that the writer may have been trying to convey. Such as the accompanying photo of the woman staring out the window, lost in thought, invokes a feeling of wistfulness.
Perhaps LMB will decide to join us soon! We shall see...
29th Dec 2018 10:01pm
Lovely write. I can certainly relate to this, and feel it deeply in my darker moments, days and weeks. Like if I start to crack at all, I will end everything in one big cosmic blast...
30th Dec 2018 3:53pm
Oh yes, I can see that inciting reaction falling like dominoes. Perhaps there’s an inner power that comes from taming such within. Your feedback is appreciated!
