deepundergroundpoetry.com
With Desire
Trembling with desire
Feelings are eating me alive
Heart beating like a hammer
Senses rushing like a runaway train
Electricity flowing through my veins
I drift fade into fantasies
Flashbacks of erotic feelings
Fire is burning hot inside me
Want more and more
Need this more than ever
Tracing the whispers
The words talk to my soul
They are alive
Am I ever going to be enough
To satisfy the burning
So close to the unknown
I can feel the want rising
Taking control of my mind
The silence is broken by gasps
My body trembling
Published 14th Dec 2018
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The author is looking for friendly feedback.
14th Dec 2018 6:11am
Anonymous
14th Dec 2018 8:09am
<< post removed >>
14th Dec 2018 8:12am
Anonymous
14th Dec 2018 8:17am
<< post removed >>
14th Dec 2018 8:27am
I write from my feelings however raw or imperfect the words mean nothing if you can’t paint a picture
Anonymous
14th Dec 2018 8:38am
<< post removed >>
Dear A,
I think the post you replied to was deleted. I think rawness is something to strive for and you have captured it. The human experience is often raw - there is a tendency to sand down the rough edges and delve into fantasy that is not the experience of most people (any people).
I know the experience of “Heart beating like a hammer “ - you have captured it exactly.
I think the post you replied to was deleted. I think rawness is something to strive for and you have captured it. The human experience is often raw - there is a tendency to sand down the rough edges and delve into fantasy that is not the experience of most people (any people).
I know the experience of “Heart beating like a hammer “ - you have captured it exactly.
Since you are looking for friendly feedback, I wonder how making the poem a bit more personal, how changing the voice to first person would change the overall tone of the poem?
For example;
“I am trembling with desire.
Needs are eating me alive
My heart….. “
“ I want more and more “
I was slightly confused about the subject of the phrase “am I ever going to be enough “. This was a little confusing. It could go in two different directions “am I ever going to be enough for you “. Or is the experience ever going to be enough to satisfy, to still the hammering of your heart?
For example;
“I am trembling with desire.
Needs are eating me alive
My heart….. “
“ I want more and more “
I was slightly confused about the subject of the phrase “am I ever going to be enough “. This was a little confusing. It could go in two different directions “am I ever going to be enough for you “. Or is the experience ever going to be enough to satisfy, to still the hammering of your heart?
