deepundergroundpoetry.com
Feel Me.
Embrace the power,
they say "It's the mountain a coward cannot climb."
and I'm near but feeling my way blind.
Father called me darling,
told me "Love's a beauty but keep your heart away."
He knew better than me, the lines on his face left the sign of old age.
Features in the paper,
a publicity stuntman whispers "Negativity sells."
and we munch away with pepper yet I still remember your face
In a positive light,
my soul is clean, I can honestly proclaim "This life is mine."
I'm so near but feeling my way blind.
they say "It's the mountain a coward cannot climb."
and I'm near but feeling my way blind.
Father called me darling,
told me "Love's a beauty but keep your heart away."
He knew better than me, the lines on his face left the sign of old age.
Features in the paper,
a publicity stuntman whispers "Negativity sells."
and we munch away with pepper yet I still remember your face
In a positive light,
my soul is clean, I can honestly proclaim "This life is mine."
I'm so near but feeling my way blind.
Published 4th Nov 2011
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Anonymous
4th Nov 2011 6:34pm
I'm not sure this line makes grammatical sense: "I'm so near but feeling a way blind." What do you mean by "a way blind"?
I liked the third line of the second stanza, but would its second half flow better like this: "the lines on his face gave grace to old age"?
My favourite stanza is the third. "Publicity stuntman" is a clever phrase, implying a lot through a couple of words. The pepper munching also shows your talent for sensory metaphor.
Thanks for the read, LA.
I liked the third line of the second stanza, but would its second half flow better like this: "the lines on his face gave grace to old age"?
My favourite stanza is the third. "Publicity stuntman" is a clever phrase, implying a lot through a couple of words. The pepper munching also shows your talent for sensory metaphor.
Thanks for the read, LA.
4th Nov 2011 6:53pm
I chose 'a way' to give the illusion that there were many ways, should I use 'my way'? I think your father line correction works well. Thank you, Jack, will edit in a bit.
Anonymous
4th Nov 2011 6:54pm
"My way" would improve the line tenfold, IMO.
