Dear Diary Pt. 2

Dear Diary,
 
I think I am too much of a coward to actually kill myself so instead I tell you I’d much rather just die in my sleep. Maybe I’m just looking for something, something like a reaction, something that will remind me that you still care.  
But you give a half ass smile and say you don’t know what you’d do if you lost me, you say the world wouldn’t spin on its fragile little axis the same if I was gone.  
This is expected to make me feel better but it just reminds me that two years ago you left me and I don’t know if you know this but it would hurt way less to die than to be put through what you put me through.  
I don’t know if you know that although I’m still breathing, I died two years ago in that parking lot when you told me you didn’t want me anymore. I walk through life harboring the ghosts of us in this sad shell I call home and I try to forget that you don’t love me anymore.  
Even though we’re still friends, we have memories and when I’m drunk I still tell you that I love you and you laugh and thank me for never leaving but it’s true. I still love you and you don’t say it back. You never say it back.  
So why should I believe you when you say you would be sad if I died when you didn’t even have the decency to tell me that you were replacing the arrow in my heart with a knife that left a hole so big only remnants of my heart remain.  
Scattered memories floating in the mess our love left.  
 
Yours Truly, D <3