deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mercy on the beach
Together we went down to say hello
to the black and silver sea.
Away from the noise and the lights,
to rest on the cool soft sand.
The shape we made hidden in the nights new darkness,
all that we could see could not see us.
And the earth and the sea cared not if I was with you or you were with me.
And the night said nothing of if we even should be.
to the black and silver sea.
Away from the noise and the lights,
to rest on the cool soft sand.
The shape we made hidden in the nights new darkness,
all that we could see could not see us.
And the earth and the sea cared not if I was with you or you were with me.
And the night said nothing of if we even should be.
Published 24th Jun 2018
| Edited 2nd Apr 2019
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28th Jun 2018 3:34am
hmm, okay firstly the flow is very fragmented and mostly because you have too many 'and' as conjunction.
Here's a suggestion and again its only my humble opinion. I cleaned it up and added the following to 2S, 'a calm retreat' to give it more depth.
Together we went down to say hello
to the black and silver sea.
Away from the noise and lights
the cool soft sand, a calm retreat
The shape we made were hidden
in the nights new darkness.
Unseen from all seen.
The earth cared not, neither did the sea
if I was with you or you were with me
And, the night said nothing
if we even should be.
Here's a suggestion and again its only my humble opinion. I cleaned it up and added the following to 2S, 'a calm retreat' to give it more depth.
Together we went down to say hello
to the black and silver sea.
Away from the noise and lights
the cool soft sand, a calm retreat
The shape we made were hidden
in the nights new darkness.
Unseen from all seen.
The earth cared not, neither did the sea
if I was with you or you were with me
And, the night said nothing
if we even should be.
29th Jun 2018 2:36am
Thank you for the feedback. I agree and like much if what you suggest. I’m going to take another pass at Woking this and your comments certainly help!
