deepundergroundpoetry.com
Will be Mercy
It is not my will, that
in every moment of every day
my tears know your distance
I dream awake
In every place, I see you still
It is not my will...
With every vision conjured
my fabric still
knows your smile
fingers know your skin
My eyes the landscape of your body
breath your presence
my tongue your taste
lips your kisses
My ears your music, and your voice
I bow my head to your caress
Your catching glance and your deep full stare
from under and over
It is not my will...
My heart is full
from knowing you
But shattered sharply are all my thoughts
no death of senses, no numb escape
no dulled or faded edge
of sockets wrenched, flesh’s tattered ends
My fabric knows you still
My stomach cramps, my chest inflates
and it ever aches
Though it is not my will...
But if will were mine
my heart I’d puncture, under Sun
and nail to the tender wood
of the tree called Mercy
high on loves tallest hill
in every moment of every day
my tears know your distance
I dream awake
In every place, I see you still
It is not my will...
With every vision conjured
my fabric still
knows your smile
fingers know your skin
My eyes the landscape of your body
breath your presence
my tongue your taste
lips your kisses
My ears your music, and your voice
I bow my head to your caress
Your catching glance and your deep full stare
from under and over
It is not my will...
My heart is full
from knowing you
But shattered sharply are all my thoughts
no death of senses, no numb escape
no dulled or faded edge
of sockets wrenched, flesh’s tattered ends
My fabric knows you still
My stomach cramps, my chest inflates
and it ever aches
Though it is not my will...
But if will were mine
my heart I’d puncture, under Sun
and nail to the tender wood
of the tree called Mercy
high on loves tallest hill
Published 23rd Jun 2018
| Edited 24th Jun 2018
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likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 5
reads 484
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Jun 2018 7:54am
Hello
Thanks for the follow.
Welcome to the Underground.
I like this poem, it has a wonderful bite of everyday life to it.
In terms of honest critique as you marked the poem asking for it...
I dunno if this poem in particular lends itself to classic style (making each line a sentence indicated by the capitilisation of the lines) many lines I felt were mid sentence. Makes it a bumpy read for the reader. An example if I may...
"With every vision conjured
My fabric still
Knows your smile
Fingers know your skin
My eyes the landscape of your body
Breath your presence
My tongue your taste
Lips your kisses
My ears your music, and your voice "
I really feel that would read more smoothly in a contemporary style write... Let's see...
With every vision conjured
my fabric still
knows your smile
fingers know your skin
My eyes the landscape of your body
breath your presence
my tongue your taste
lips your kisses
my ears your music, and your voice
So there we have taken 9 sentences and turned them into 2, thus we have made 9 individual thoughts flow into each other and we haven't worked on the words yet.
Having read some of your previous poems too, I get that it's a style thing. But I'm unsure that every poem can fit in to a single style. Otherwise why would there be so many styles?
Yeah love the poem none the less.
Hope to read more from you.
Thanks for the read
Blue Skies at you
Al
Thanks for the follow.
Welcome to the Underground.
I like this poem, it has a wonderful bite of everyday life to it.
In terms of honest critique as you marked the poem asking for it...
I dunno if this poem in particular lends itself to classic style (making each line a sentence indicated by the capitilisation of the lines) many lines I felt were mid sentence. Makes it a bumpy read for the reader. An example if I may...
"With every vision conjured
My fabric still
Knows your smile
Fingers know your skin
My eyes the landscape of your body
Breath your presence
My tongue your taste
Lips your kisses
My ears your music, and your voice "
I really feel that would read more smoothly in a contemporary style write... Let's see...
With every vision conjured
my fabric still
knows your smile
fingers know your skin
My eyes the landscape of your body
breath your presence
my tongue your taste
lips your kisses
my ears your music, and your voice
So there we have taken 9 sentences and turned them into 2, thus we have made 9 individual thoughts flow into each other and we haven't worked on the words yet.
Having read some of your previous poems too, I get that it's a style thing. But I'm unsure that every poem can fit in to a single style. Otherwise why would there be so many styles?
Yeah love the poem none the less.
Hope to read more from you.
Thanks for the read
Blue Skies at you
Al
23rd Jun 2018 8:08am
Hi!
I really appreciate the critique… I meant it when I asked for that level.
And your effort and attention is of great value.
I think it's less of a style thing, and ore of a natural habit Iv'e not paid a lot of informed attention to. I tend to hear it sung in my head when I'm writing so I do not always read it sans the aid of an accompanying tune. :)
So, yep, I like the suggested edits…. it rings true and will help me look at it again with fresh eyes.
Best
Blud
I really appreciate the critique… I meant it when I asked for that level.
And your effort and attention is of great value.
I think it's less of a style thing, and ore of a natural habit Iv'e not paid a lot of informed attention to. I tend to hear it sung in my head when I'm writing so I do not always read it sans the aid of an accompanying tune. :)
So, yep, I like the suggested edits…. it rings true and will help me look at it again with fresh eyes.
Best
Blud
23rd Jun 2018 8:21am
Yeah... I get that.
A great mind on this site told me years ago when I was learning styles...
Making it rest pretty on the page, after it's written is 70 percent of the job. If it looks good how it lies there, chances are it reads easier. So now, I write em, then I cut excess words out and try make em fit in goid looking way. That's as easy as possible to read. I have been grateful for that tip every day since I got it. So now you can have it. (Not to say this one don't look good on the page, purly part of our convo) ;)
Good to meet you!
Keep in touch!
A great mind on this site told me years ago when I was learning styles...
Making it rest pretty on the page, after it's written is 70 percent of the job. If it looks good how it lies there, chances are it reads easier. So now, I write em, then I cut excess words out and try make em fit in goid looking way. That's as easy as possible to read. I have been grateful for that tip every day since I got it. So now you can have it. (Not to say this one don't look good on the page, purly part of our convo) ;)
Good to meet you!
Keep in touch!
Anonymous
- Edited 27th Dec 2019 12:45pm
23rd Jun 2018 8:59am
<< post removed >>
24th Jun 2018 4:32am
Hi.. thank you for your comments. That song occurred to me while I was writing this too. I did not try to make it relate, but likely it had subliminal influence in any case. Quite astute that you picked up on it. :)
